The Mistress and MyThoughts

Went to see the last full show of "The Mistress" on its first day of screening and I have to say that this is the kind of movie that makes me want to believe in Pinoy films again. If perfection ever does exist in visual cinema, "The Mistress" has got to be it--a masterpiece of mainstream cinema! 

The story is so good, script was fabulously great--well written, direction and editing are so right on target. Casting is impeccable and acting is beyond words--John Llyod Cruz and Bea Alonzo were both palpable! I am so glad the role of Eric Torres went on to John Lloyd Cruz and not to the first choice actor who later moved to another network. Honestly, I couldn't think of any other actors who can give justice to the roles of Eric and Sari but these two.

I love the subdued but intense acting of everyone that perfectly compliments the very raw and genuine emotions of the script. I love the right amount of tantalizing embedded through out the entire narrative creating the perfect balance of sensuality--it's so EROTIC! 

Finally, I love that the ending didn't betray the main premise of the movie as well as its characters and their conflicts just to give in to what Pinoy moviegoers would want to see. 

Yes, it's painful and often times we question why but it's a bittersweet reality of life that we can't always have what we want cause had it been the other way around, probably there's really hope for world peace. But at the end of it all, I still find myself asking--should we really hold back on love just so we won't hurt the feelings of others around us? Can we really equate the common rules of right and wrong to LOVE? And given that LOVEis still governed by these principles--who determines what is right and what is wrong in its inexplicable nature or should we really just settle to the sad reality of "hindi dahil gusto mo, makukuha mo"? 

P.S. John Lloyd Cruz killed my heart over and over again through out the movie's almost 2 hours and 10 minutes. I SWEAR HE'S GIVING SEXINESS A WHOLE LOT DIFFERENT DIMENSION it's so HOT!

The Songbird Replies, Grammys, Kris RealiTV and Other Mind Blabbers I

I was beyond ecstatic when Songbird Regine Velasquez finally joined Twitter on December 5, 2011. I just couldn’t believe it! I’m an avid Reginian at heart and it’s such a great pleasure to read tweets of your super idol in your timeline, words which she herself typed, thought about, and posted. So imagine my euphoria when she replied to my tweets last Sunday and Monday. They were a series of replies that I really felt like we were having a conversation. Haha! Ok, of course those were simple tweets of thank yous blah blah but hey Regine Velasquez, the Songbird of Asia tweeted me back and for a huge fan like me, it felt like winning the lottery!

The Grammys!

I am such a big big music lover, when I was a kid I remember waiting for the Grammys every year with so much anticipation. I intently watch every performances of the night and of course wait for who wins what. But over the years, it just bored me all of a sudden and found myself just reading news about the awards show. A great reason for this has to do with the fact that most of time they highlight country music so much and I don’t like country music. If there’s a genre of music that I really don’t like it’ll be Country music and Hard Metal Rock. But this year, I made it a point to seat through the Grammy’s 2 ½ hours airing to wait for Adele! I love her and I love her music. Adele’s voice is majestic and she looks so regal and sophisticated. Who needs a Heidi Klum body if you have a voice like Adele’s??! I am so happy for her awards sweep that night, 

she so deserves all of it. I wonder what’s going on in Gaga’s mind the entire time hahaha!

Still on the Grammys, after seeing Chris Brown’s performance, I find myself crushing on him again and totally forgetting the entire Rihanna assault fiasco 2 years ago. My goodness with the way he moves and dance on stage all I can say is damn he’s so HOT!

Adam Levine’s performance made the Grammys worth it of everything. I love him and just by looking at him makes every wasted minute worth it! His sex appeal is excruciatingly inexplicable! And yes, I envy Anne V to the bones!!!


Finally, yes, I know it was last minute but I don’t like Jennifer Hudson’s rendition of “I Will Always Love You”.

Grammy Fashion: I’m not really someone who gives a big deal about red carpets and other fashion chuchus I just say it as it is if I like the ensemble or I think it’s horrible. Gwyneth Paltrow for me is the night’s best dressed! I also love Rihanna’s gown! 

RIP Whitney †

I’m not a big Witney Houston fan but my Mom is, so I practically grew up to her music. My Mom watched The Bodyguard like a hundred times in the cinema and its soundtrack was my sister and I’s lullaby every night when I was in 1^st or 2^nd grade. Like what an article I have read the evening of her passing, I too was shocked but not surprised on the news of her death. One of my BFFs perfectly said it, “sayang! Whitney’s another great talent wasted with vices.”

This week, Kris Aquino’s daily morning talk show presented a reality TV treatment for her birthday special entitled Kris RealiTV. I love the idea! If there’s one celebrity who’s so fit to have a reality show here in the Philippines ala “Keeping up with the Kardashians” it has to be Kris. The way she has built the success of her entire career with transparency, I really hope the reality episode rated well, enough for the Kapamilya network to give at least a weekly reality show of her life.

With his appearance in Kris RealiTV, I remembered how crushable James Yap is. He’s really one of my forever crushes.

I’ve been watching One Tree Hill’s Season 7 and I just have to say that there’s no single episode that my heart didn’t melt with my boy love, ROBERT BUCKLEY! Don’t argue with me because I think he’s perfect!

I just finished watching the season’s 18^th episode and I just have to say that it is by far the best episode of this series ever!!! In all aspects!  It literally had me crying an ocean of tears. I swear I was crying the entire time.  Now my eyes are all puffy! The BEST!!!

I heard the news that it’s now confirmed, Julia Roberts and Meryl Streep will star opposite each other on the film adaptation of August: Osage County. My goodness! I’m sure this will be an acting-fest one!

Wow! This is the first of my “Mind Blabbers” entry and I’m “liking” this formula so expect a lot of these in my blog from now on! One of my super close friends tweeted a year ago that she felt blogging is really not for her, she’s really just fit for micro blogging as in the case of Twitter. Honestly, I’ve been feeling the same way these past few months. I don’t know why all of a sudden writing full length blogs felt so tedious and pressuring so from now on, my blogs will feature “anything goes blabbers” haha!

till my next blabber…

xOxO

Twisted with KFC Twisters: The Fish Twister

As a regard to my promise to taste all the KFC Twister, I had the new Fish Twister this afternoon for lunch. Though I love the palatable taste of the sweetness and sourness of cucumber being enhanced by the creamy flavour of cheese, this is my least favorite of all the KFC Twisters. Fourth in the series of eight flavors they’re going to release, this Fish Twister lacks the wow factor that’ll make my tongue come back for more. There’s nothing new about it and seriously just tastes like the California Maki Twister the only difference is that it is fish and not KFC’s signature crispy chicken fillet. And as everybody knows, I’m more into chicken than to fish so obviously I’d go for the California Maki flavor than this one. Hehe. Although I must say, KFC’s fish fillet is good enough with just the right crispiness and ample thickness of fish inside the crispy starch coating. I honestly didn’t expect that they’ll be including a Fish Twister in the series and this is becoming ridiculous because OC me is really flipping my mind wondering what the next flavors will be. I’m in a guessing game! Hahahaha.

My One Tree Hill Love Affair

I sometimes hate it that I’m a very emotional person. But on the other hand, I also think that it’s a good thing because it makes me more human to be able to feel emotions as they are. I get infatuated so easily. I get attached to something or someone so easily and too much it hurts. I just finished One Tree Hill’s Season 6 in DVD and it made me cry a lot. At 4 a.m. I was crying my hurt out watching the last three episodes of Season 6. Maybe I’m just too emotional this mid-morning or these past few days but it sure felt so great to be able to cry and let loose with my emotions in the confines of my room; alone in the dark while being carried away in a beautiful narrative. One Tree Hill is very close to my heart. Somehow in ways I couldn’t even bring myself to explain, but to try and be objective about it, I love its plot so much because it presented different aspects of friendships, triumphs and failures, and most importantly (my favorite), love and relationships in a very logical manner yet still maintaining its emotional sensitiveness.

I started watching One Tree Hill November of 2008 around two in the morning and I finished five episodes of the first season in one seating. Of course, as expected I was drawn and very much in to Lucas Scott and knowing me, I will eventually be infatuated not to the character that is Lucas but to the actor portraying him, Chad Michael Murray. And it started yet again one of my many foolish not to mention really ridiculous infatuation debacles with another actor. I think I’m going to discuss how bad I am when infatuated in another blog entry. Believe me it’ll be an effort talking about it and definitely a sympathetically weird post.

Anyway, going back to One Tree Hill, I was crying a lot while watching the season finale of the sixth run because it’s Lucas and Peyton’s wedding. I don’t know what is it about weddings that always make me cry. May it be on TV or in real life, they always do. Maybe it’s the overflowing love you see from the bride and groom. Maybe it’s the overwhelming feeling of joy when you see genuine love between two people who were so brave to fight for love and so lucky to have found that magic, that miracle. And here goes the hopeless romantic Dave again, forgive me, please; I’m still overwhelmed with so much emotion right now. But think about it, at the end of the day, yes it is cliché and crap but LOVE is all that matters.

I’ve seen how One Tree Hill’s narrative transcended over the years but most importantly, I felt the emotional maturity and evolution of all the characters and that to me is the basis of a good television series. The season 6 finale more than anything centred on dreams and how we should always believe in our dreams. Hold on to it, never lose hope on it, work your ass off on it because in the end it’s all gonna be worth it!  It just made me realize that whether it is in career or in life or in love, dreams do come true and you need to have faith and believe because this world never runs out of opportunities and surprises. Believe that miracles happen every single day. Believe in your dreams.  Never stop chasing them!

These lines from the Season 6’s finale struck a chord in me and I am so touched that I’d like to share it with everyone:

“Remind yourself to be happy because you deserve that

and believe that dreams come true every day because they do.”

I love love love Season 6 because as shallow as it may sound, this season introduced me to Julian Baker. It has been years since I last felt this cringing and crippling feel inside the deepest corners of my heart while watching an actor. I love the character because Julian Baker personifies my ideal guy in his full accurateness and preciseness; the kind of man I dream of loving and growing old with. Watching him made me realize just how much I really long for a man’s love. And he reminds me a lot of Boy-next-door. But of course, he’s just a TV series character born out of Mark Schawahn’s imagination. I wish a guy like him exists in real life… in the gay world. I can only dream (but hey, didn’t I just say hold on to your dreams?!) hahahahahahaha.

P.S. Of course it follows that I am not only infatuated with the character that is Julian Baker but more so to the actor portraying Julian, the cute boy-next-door, AUSTIN NICHOLS. God my heart stops beating with his every grins and with that expressive, bedroom eyes not to mention that cute, scruffy face. Damn! How I wish I’m Sophia Bush!!!  

Twisted with KFC Twisters: The Cheesy Bacon Twister

I am a true blue Kentucky Fried Chicken fan and I believe that its one of America’s greatest gifts to mankind. I love fried chicken and theirs my favorite. I can live for two months just eating KFC foods every meal without getting used to it. Back in college, my best friend and I almost ate lunch at KFC Taft Ave.  every day for about a month. I’ve tried all their foods and actually enjoy all of them. The first KFC flavored Twister was launched in late 2009 and when I saw the KFC Twisters ad I promised myself that I will taste all eight of them. First there was the Pizza Twister which by far is my favorite of all three available flavors. The California Maki Twister, second in the series came about last year. It was ok but not totally superb. The new flavour, Cheesy Bacon Twister was made available last week and I just had it for dinner. I’ve always loved the succulent flavor of cheese. To me, it makes every dish or snack for that matter extra tasteful. I loved the flavor of melted cheese in the strips of bacon and crispy chicken fillet in this Twister though I maintain that the Pizza Twister is still my favorite. KFC just really whet my appetite all the time and I am really excited for the other flavors that’ll come out. The anticipation feels like waiting for the next instalment of a popular book series. :)

The Computer Genius Cum Blogging Wizard

What’s up with me and this blog? Slept 10:30 in the morning because I was fixing the links and slideshow for this new template and suddenly it sparked on me that I want to be more active than ever here. I’ve always been like this. I was born with a curious mind. I never want to stop learning new things and I make it a point to learn it myself especially if it’s general knowledge, and about computers and website making. Among the many frustrations in my life is not having a bachelor’s degree in computer because math has always been my weakness. And so here I am just barely 10 minutes after waking up, it’s 5:19 in the afternoon and I’m in front of my laptop again feeling like a computer genius and a blogger wizard rolled into one. I swear I am devoting myself in turning this blog alive and an online haven that will represent my cheerful and perky personality.

You Gotta Have Faith: 10 Lessons of My 2010

It’s funny and surreal how fast time flies. It felt like a million dozen days going through the year but now looking back, it seems like it was just yesterday when we celebrated New Year at the Baguio Country Club. 2010 was quite a year for me. So many crossroads...so many changes...so many lessons learned. If I’ll be asked to sum up my 2010 in one word, it’ll definitely be FAITH!

I am writing this at 3am, five days before 2011 and once again, I’d like to assess what have gone of my 2010. I love doing this because I want to see to it that as another year passes by, I have learned from all the joyful and hurtful experiences the Lord sent me this year. And so here is my 2010 in 10 simple but meaningful lessons:

01 Family is what Matters.

I went through a difficult emotional breakdown 3^rd quarter of this year and I swear to God I wouldn't have survived it if not for the love, support, prayers and understanding of my family most especially of my mom and my sister. I have to commend my sister for really stepping up during my time of weakness; for untiringly comforting me and showering me with words of encouragement , constantly reminding me that I’m not alone. I know I wouldn't have triumphed through all those panic attacks if she weren't by my side. Love and take care your family most importantly your immediate one. Never hesitate in expressing your love for them, splurge and spoil them, as much as you can be there in every moment, and stick with them because they’re the ones who’ll be with you when you reach rock bottom.

02 Happiness is a Feeling not a Choice

I hate it when people tell me happiness is a choice! Because it’s not! In this life, it’s either you’re happy or you’re sad. It’s either you’re celebrating or you’re miserable. For obtaining happiness by just choosing to be happy is not genuine happiness that comes from within but sadness under the disguise of a transient bliss.

03 Adjust and Compromise but Never Lose Your Core

It’s inevitable in this life to make “pakikisama” and “pakikibagay” for you to survive. You can’t act as if you’re the most important human being. You can never live alone in your bubble forever because time will come and it will burst. Sometimes, you have to do things even if it’s not what you want and it’s not who you are. You need to be flexible and adjust because the situation calls for it. You need to compromise because life isn’t always about how you want it to be. As a matter of fact, it’s about how humble you can be to sacrifice what you want with what is right and what you should do. Every day we have to find the perfect balance but always bear in mind that compromising can only do so much. Never ever let it change your inner being. The goodness of who you are as a person is still what matters at the end of the day.

04 If you’re Miserable, Do Something about It!

I know this is easier said than done. And trust me; I know the feeling of this dilemma by heart. It’ll literally drive you insane! But always remember that you are miserable because something is wrong, either in your life as a whole, or in your career, in your family, in your love life, etc. I also know for a fact that choices specifically involving your family, your career, and your relationships are the hardest to deal with but you got to start from somewhere. Life is too short to be living it in constant misery. If you’re miserable that only goes to show that you’re not happy anymore and always ask yourself, what’s the point of staying? What’s the point of holding on if it’s keeping me miserable? You have to face reality and eliminate what’s making you so unhappy. Don’t be afraid to take risks by letting go especially if it’s the best solution there is.

05 Honesty is not Always the Best Policy.

“I don’t give a damn! I’ll say what’s in my mind.” I used to live with this principle at heart but this year, I’ve learned to tame down. I now fully understand the depth of how hurtful words can be. It stays with you and damages relationships to great extent. It’s harder now with Facebook and Twitter around when you can go online anytime and lash out your anger and bitterness to the world. But it’s proven that we regret almost half if not everything that we said during moments of sudden burst of anger. This year I learned that sometimes, it doesn’t hurt to just keep your displeasure to someone/something to yourself. After all, not everything should be left out in the open. And it really pays to not only be prudent with what you say and how you react, it’s also more rewarding that you know you were sensitive enough with others’ emotions.

06 Be True to Yourself

I swear the worst thing you can do to yourself is pretend to be ok when you’re not. Pretend to be happy when you feel the other way around. And pretend to be someone you’re not and will never be. Show your true emotions, admit it and own it! Most importantly, celebrate your own uniqueness. Live out your passion! As much as you can, don’t force yourself in doing things you’re not fond of. It’s very important to have your heart in whatever you’re doing. I know that as a consequence for living out your passion, you have to give up and forego of some things or maybe for some, a lot of things. But you have to be brave enough to stand up and take the risk of what will ultimately make you happy.

07 Live in the Moment

Perhaps my biggest problem this year is failing to live in the NOW! I am so busy stressing in the past and worrying the future. In so doing, I failed to enjoy every moment of my present and that’s so devastating to realize. I’d like to share this quote from Mother Theresa that I read from the latest issue of the Kris Aquino Magazine, “Be happy in the moment—that’s enough. Each moment is all we need—not more.”

08 Positivity is Something You Thrive For

Just watch the 7pm news and you’ll see how much negativity and evil is surrounding us. Life is already very depressing as it is and so it’s on you to always look for the bright side of things. But mind you, this isn’t very easy to do. Positivity is something that doesn’t come naturally in a world full of negative vibe. It is something you work hard for and takes a lot of effort obtaining. And so don’t deprive yourself of things that make you happy for sometimes, even the worst days of failure can be cooled down by a new pair of shoes or a hot fudge sundae.

09 PRAY.PRAY.PRAY.

I don’t think I even have to expound the power of prayer. Instead, I’ll share lyrics of the song “On My Knees” by Jaci Velasquez. It expresses everything I have to say and believe about prayer.

There are days
when I feel
The best of me
is ready to begin (the end)
Then there's (the) days
when I feel
I'm letting go
and soaring on the wind
'Cause I've learned in laughter or in pain
How to survive!

I get on my knees! (x2)
There I am before the Love
That changes me
See I don't know how
But there's power
When I'm on my knees

I can be
in a crowd
Or by myself
and almost anywhere
When I feel
there's a need
To talk with God
He is Emmanuel
When I close my eyes,
no darkness there
There's only light!

I get on my knees (x2)
There I am before the Love that changes me
See I don't know how, but there's power
In the blue skies, in the midnight
When I'm on my knees
I get on my knees (x2)
There I am before the Love
That changes me
See I don't know how, but there's power
When I'm on my, oh, when I'm on my
When I'm on my knees

10 Your FAITH will See You Through

I am far from being perfect but I’d like to believe I am a better person now than

I was a year ago. I don’t want to sound so preachy and pretend to be holy. I am still a sinner like everyone else. I am still a person who commits mistakes and falls short of temptations every now and then. What I can honestly say now is that whatever disappointments, failures, frustrations, hardships, and mistakes I've done and encountered this year have definitely brought me closer to God. This year was an awakening for me in many ways and I am proud to say that now, I have a renewed relationship with the Lord.

2010 to me, means FAITH, because my experiences this year thought me a lot of what faith is really all about. It’s easy to say I have faith in the Lord but it entails a whole lot of gravity in the essence of the word. It’s not just the belief to something/someone that is not seen or heard. Faith to me, now, is the complete and utter surrender of everything to God. And I mean everything even to the smallest of decisions I have to make. This year I was reminded that we human beings are expected to “live by faith” which ultimately means putting everything of your everyday life to Him and Him alone.

As I’ve said, life is already very depressing as it is and I can’t think of any better way how to even last a day if not for His love and undoubted presence in our lives. We are here because of Him and I swear without Him, we are just as helpless as we could ever be. As we usher in another year, maybe like me, some of you also feel anxious and fears what lies ahead… what’s in store for you, your family, your career, your love life, your health on 2011. So many things can happen, so many things can change in a blink of an eye but that’s what “living by faith” means…giving it all up to Jesus who will certainly see us though every waking minute.

2010 thought me a lot of wonderful and meaningful lessons and I now find myself ending my prayers like this:

I lift up all my worries and fears to you oh Lord.

I trust you with all my heart and forever will my

FAITH rest upon you. Please see me through…

Amen.

The Lord Jesus Christ is our only hope in this cruel, hopeless, rotting world but surrendering your Faith to Him doesn’t necessarily mean a life free of sadness and hurt. Surely, these two culprits will still bump us along the roads of 2011 together with their ever loyal companions--disappointment and frustration—but with God’s grace and loving mercy, I’m sure that we will all see it through the challenges of 2011 if we’ll rest our FAITH in Him.

Happy New Year Everyone and to GOD be the glory forever!

Part 2: 2009 And The Lessons I Learned About LOVE LOVE LOVE

I write this while still waiting for that love which will shape and ultimately define the saga of my life’s love story. I write this while still waiting for that guy who’ll sweep me off my feet. I write this with the acknowledgment of all the pains I’ve gone through in the name of love this year. I write this with faith and hope in destiny that someday, LOVE will come and consume my heart and soul. I was deeply and passionately involved in two love affairs this year—one in fantasy and another one in reality. These love affairs have redefined my ideas and beliefs about love. Most importantly, they added another layer of toughness to my ever so vulnerable heart. And so here are some of the things I learned about LOVE this year.

LOVE WITH ALL YOUR HEART
In this day and age where relationships are becoming more of a liability than it should be, where the odds of getting your heart broken is as sure as the MRT train being late during rush hours, it’s so hard to lose grip and give your heart away completely. But if there’s one thing I learned this year, it’s that you should never hold back when it comes to love. The euphoria of being in love comes once in a blue moon these days. The joy of finding true love is like winning the grand price in a lottery. And so when you find love, in the smallest of possibilities it offer, grab it and let your heart guide you. Let yourself be consumed by it and love like there’s no tomorrow for life is so short and being too afraid to get hurt is not giving justice to God’s gift of life. Never be afraid of getting your heart broken cause at the end of everything, after all that’s been said and done, the only thing that matters is how much you have loved.

NEVER GIVE UP ON LOVE
I’ve been through so much emotionally this year. Everyone knows my obsession with boy-next-door, the guy in my dreams who happens to be a real human being in the person of our then neighbor at 13th Ave. as well as my overwhelming relationship with my ex-boyfriend, Dan. You see, sometimes loving and relationships in general can be so exhausting physically, psychologically, spiritually, and of course emotionally. You get your heart broken every now and then and sometimes you ask, what for? When you’re hurt so much by love, at times, you lose hope—hope that someday you’ll still be in the arms of true, unconditional love. To be perfectly honest, there are still nights when I cry myself to sleep thinking what’s wrong with me. I reached the point when I’m on the verge of totally believing that maybe I’m destined to be alone. Maybe I’m meant to be single for life. But as soon as this idea comes up, I am immediately killing it because I know that this feeling of solitude is not for long. I know that my mind is just entertaining that idea because it wants me to feel self-pity. Love will come someday. I certainly know that. Maybe not now but it will come. I never want to give up on love because I believe everybody deserves to love and be love in return. I never want to give up on love because though it has cost me much hurt and anguish over the years, still, there’s no better way to measure my existence by how abundant I was loved and how deeply I have loved.

CLOSURE IS ESSENTIAL
I’ve been to numerous relationships these past few years. I’ve professed time and time again to be in love and never felt that feeling before. But I believe the first time I ever really fell in love was last summer with Dan. Of course today the relationship seems more of summer fling than a serious one. I say it was the first time I ever did fall in love because it was the first time a guy made me feel that way. He treated me the way I want to be treated. Yes, I was head over heels in love with him. I really thought he was THE ONE. I really thought that relationship is for keeps already. I really thought he’s the one I’ll grow old with. He was the first real romance I could have committed the cliché, “I will love you and fight for you against all odds”. I swear I was madly in love with him that I can give up even my family for him. But as Mariah Carey perfectly sang it, “something got a hold of us and we changed” the relationship ended without the other party really knowing why they broke up. It’s torturing to think of what probably that “something that took hold of us” is, especially when you’re still crazy in love with him. What I’m trying to point out here is that two people shared love and built dreams together then when something went wrong with one party it’s inexplicably foolish and stupid of him to just end the relationship all at once without even talking it out with the other party. I mean hello?! You were two consenting adults who were involved in that relationship and in as mush as it’s his right to get out of the relationship for he’s not happy anymore, it’s also the other party’s right to know what went wrong. Did he cause the problem? Is there something wrong about him? It’s very hard for the one being left behind to move on and let go without him knowing what really went wrong. This year, I learned that in separations like what happened to me and Dan, it is both parties’ responsibility to give each other a nice and decent closure that honors what they had.

LEARN TO LET GO
Ending a relationship is never easy. Amicably or resentfully, break-ups in general are never easy because amidst all the hurt and pain, you can’t discount the fact that you two have shared love and intimacy. And sometimes relationships end though we’re still not ready to let it go. But things happen, relationships fail, love fades, and we can’t let ourselves be stuck on the memory of a love gone wrong. Eventually, no matter how painful it is, you have to let go. You can’t keep on wishing it’s still you in his heart. You have to let go completely, for until then, you won’t be able to shelter a new, healthy, and lasting relationship. It’s never easy accepting the truth that sometimes, relationships fail because it’s just not meant to be but you have to help yourself move on so when that new love comes, you will be able to give it the fairness it deserves. Letting go of all the dreams built together, of all the cherished memories, of all the pain, of all the love you’ve come to nurture is easier said than done but learning the art of letting go is the only way you could give your heart the ability to reach its total potential when it comes to love.

NEVER REGRET A FAILED RELATIONSHIP
Sometimes you look back and question, with your strings of failed relationships, what have I got? But along with the hurt and anguish a break up brings, are lessons learned so that next time when you fall in love, you’ll be able to do things differently and who knows, that relationship might just be the one. I think Kris Aquino said it very well in one of her shows, “Lahat tayo nagkakamali along the way pero lahat nung pagkakamaling yun pala is part of the path that will lead you to where you should be.” so more than considering them as a disadvantage, better to think of them the other way around.

HE’S NOT FOR YOU, SUCK IT UP
I can’t begin to count the many sleepless nights I’ve spent questioning why I am not the one for boy-next-door. Thinking about it, I am so much of her girlfriend except one thing—she is a girl and I’m not. When already in this state of mind, I start to think of all the other guys I adore, who, given the chance, I would definitely give up anything and everything just to be with him. I’ve fell in this emotion of being infatuatedly obsess with a guy I really really admire. I dunno if it’s just me or other people also experiences this as extreme as I do. I feel so weird already that I get attached so easily to guys I find attractive. I say it’s weird because most often than not, my attraction to a guy, both attainable and unattainable makes me sad and very depressed. It’s incomprehensible to be a broken Bea Alonzo record line, “bakit hindi nalang ako? Ako nalang…” in my part, it’s painful every time a guy I think is so perfect for me crosses my path and yet he’s not mine and he will never be mine because to me, infatuation always borders to obsession. But then I realize this is life. You can’t wallow on bitterness questioning ‘why in the world is he not meant for me?!’ I’ve been a victim of being deliriously depressed because of this phenomenon over the years and that’s the sad thing about life and love, you can’t always get what you want and it doesn’t follow that if you love someone, he’ll also love you back. This feeling will never end, this longing will never cease till I find THE ONE who will love me for as long as he lives. At the same time, I can’t stop cute, HOT, yummy guys from leaving their homes just so I won’t get depressed. And over the years, I swear, the roller coaster emotion of being easily infatuated has brought me so much pain than I ever could imagine. Yes, it’s so hard to be at peace with the truth yet I realized that this is just God’s balancing equation. How rowdy this world will be if your object of affection/infatuation can instantly be in love with you? I can just imagine! And seriously, with humans’ unending struggle with discontentment backed up by human nature’s greatest fear of aloneness, I feel it’s so selfish of me desiring so badly to be with THE ONE I THINK IS PERFECT FOR ME while God on the other hand is busy preparing THE ONE HE PERFECTLY CHOSE for me. I just need to strengthen my faith and have overwhelming patience because in the end, it’ll all be worth it.

FIGHT FOR LOVE
You cry endlessly because of the pain yet still hunger for love insatiably. Human beings are designed to be this way. Anyway, no one ever said loving is easy. Love and pain is a package deal. One can never love without getting hurt so as willingly we accept and take love, we must also be willing to take pain. Live by the idea that everybody gets hurt. You’re not a precious one to just be the one hurting. Though love takes a lot of compromise, hurt, risk, and sacrifice, I promised myself that come what may, I’m going to fight for it till the very end for I believe that love is worth all the pain. Also, excluding everything, no matter how much you cried the entire night, nothing beats the feeling of waking up in the arms of love.

LOVE IS AN EVERYDAY DECISION
It’s never an assurance that a good start has a fairy tale ending. It’s never an assurance that being together for a long time means you will never go separate ways anymore. I know a gay couple who’s been together for almost 25 years but still, recently, they just parted ways. Love requires full commitment and effort to couple up in this uncoupling world. If you’re not put up for it, spare your victims from heartache. With relationship’s sometimes unreasonable demands of hurt and pain, you always have to be certain that you can still keep up with love’s untiring stamina.

DESPERATE LOVE WILL NEVER DO YOU ANY GOOD
It’s true that not all kinds of love are right. Some of it is wrong upfront. Some of it is just too painful and unfair for someone to even bear living with it. After being in and out of relationships over the years, I realized that maybe one of the reasons why my relationships aren’t the kind that’s lasting is because I always choose to have a desperate kind of love. I used the word choose because really, loving gives you a lot of choices and one of these many choices is what kind of love are you going to share to somebody. Love for it to be able to grow and last long needs a healthy foundation and so much so a breathing environment. While it is indeed true that love is all about compromising, it is also very important that you don’t lose your individuality in the process. Relationships are sharing of mutual emotions such as love, trust, and above all, respect. You can’t love believing that if you don’t do that or do this, your boyfriend will be unhappy and leave you. You need to have your life outside of him. Your world shouldn’t revolve solely on him.

In many ways, loving first and foremost is acceptance. Accepting the person you love for who he is along with all his imperfections. You can’t be in a relationship that sacrifices so much of your life just so your boyfriend won’t leave you. That’s not compromising at all, that’s desperately begging for love. Do not be afraid to be who you are and who you’re not in a relationship because a relationship is a partnership between two individuals with two different beliefs, characters, and values. It’s a give and take process and if you feel like you’re relationship is already unfair because it seems you’re the one always doing the giving, do something about it. Be wise enough to see through the blinding haze of love.

Base from my experience on my realized relationship pattern, desperate love is exhausting and it will never last long because after sometime, it drains you and all you just wanna be is to be out of that relationship. It is of utmost importance that before being in a relationship, you make sure you are mature enough to handle one. Love should never complete a person. It should only add color and excitement to your already accomplished, complete, and individualistic life. Doing the opposite will just make you clingy and needy which is the risky and slippery road leading to breakup. Love yourself first. Reach for your dreams first. Be an independent, consummate individual first in terms of career, emotional stability, etc. before you commit to a relationship. More so, your happiness shouldn’t be dependent on love. Because for one, love is a fleeting emotion and anything can happen in a relationship overnight. So ground your happiness on something sturdier. It should come from within that if something happens like a breakup; you won’t be distraught feeling you’ve lost not only your source of happiness but your life as well.

As I look back now, I find it ridiculous how I’ve manipulated my life to solely revolve on my love life. These past few months I saw how my name is already synonymous with (better if it’s only love but no eh…) love, boys, and kalandian among many others. I wish to change this world’s perspective about me this year 2010. I am now convinced more than ever that indeed there’s more to life than romance. Also, while it’s true that I do want to have a man in my life and be in love again, I know that now is not the right time. As I’ve already shared, I believe that there is a right time and a purpose for everything. There is a reason why I’m still single today. There is a reason why boy-next-door or Dan or any other guy I’ve been infatuated with this year were all not meant for me. I know at the right time love will come and seize me until then I’ll just keep my faith and prepare myself for LOVE LOVE LOVE’S arrival.

Part 1: 2009 And The Lessons I Learned About LIFE

Four days have passed since 2010 started and like many, I find myself thinking what year 2009 has been for me. As I write this reflection of my year 2009, I have only one goal, and that is, in one way or the other, whatever I’ll be sharing here will somehow touch the life of who ever will come across and read this. These are not startling realizations I’m going to share but important truths I have always taken for granted.

When I graduated from college October 2008, I didn’t plan to work right away. I chose to give my physical well-being the rest it very much needed. I chose to give myself a few months to enjoy the things I want to do but can’t because I’m busy studying. I chose to give myself the liberty to be where I want and need to be in the middle of the day without having to worry an appointment it might compromise. I wanted to give myself the privilege of waking up at noon and stay at bed all day just reading or watching DVDs not worrying anything at all. Above all, I wanted to savor the pleasure of being free to do what I want to do. Of course all these are but normal. What would make it abnormal is the decision on how long you would want to live like this.

I just wanted a few months to take sometime off and be back in the game again probably a month or two. But first of the many realizations I had this year is that indeed, PLANS DO CHANGE. Nothing is ever so permanent in this life but “change” itself. I was perfectly enjoying my self-imposed break when I realized three months have already passed. I started asking myself, “Oh my! It’s been three months! Should I start looking for a job now? All my friends are busy looking for a job and what am I doing killing time like this? Should I stop bumming around now? But I feel like I haven’t had enough.” With all these questions floating in my mind and the never ending pressures from friends both close to me and those just “feeling close” to me (take note: from friends and not even from my parents who’s been supporting my welfare financially speaking), I pressured myself into job hunting thinking that if not now, then when will I start?! So summer of 2009, I obliged myself to look for a job but to be perfectly honest, I’m not happy. It felt like I was doing it not for myself but for other people.

I had a HUGE job application towards the end of summer. I really really like that job but I have to be honest that while investing so much time and energy not to mention offering tremendous amount of prayers to get the job, I know that those efforts are not coming from the heart. But still, I gave my very best for that application for it is my belief that IT IS MY DUTY AND RESPONSIBILITY AS AN INDIVIDUAL TO GIVE MY BEST COME WHAT MAY. They called me for an interview and eventually I passed for the second screening and after that they never called again. I’ll be a hypocrite if I say I wasn’t hurt or disappointed at all. But that’s life. YOU WIN SOME, YOU LOSE SOME. LIFE DOESN’T ALWAYS GO YOUR WAY. And looking back now, it sure is the best that time.

I stopped looking for a job again after that HUGE application. Initially, it was because I wanted to wait for the result because they told me to give them at least a month or two to process and decide. That statement was 50% factual and 50% press release. I’ll address this now, IT’S EXHAUSTING TO DO THINGS WHEN YOU WERE JUST FORCED INTO THAT SITUATION. SACRIFICE AND HARD WORK BECOMES LESS OF A BURDEN IF YOU’RE DOING IT FROM THE HEART. And I’m not. Once again, I fell into one of the biggest mistakes a person could ever commit to himself—rob yourself of your own freewill and let the waves of pressure take you. By this time, I am aware that I was just looking for a job to hiss those people pressuring me. I was looking for a job that sudden because it’s what normal social convention is asking from me.

When I paused for a while from job hunting, I got busy taking care of the construction of the new house we were building. And eventually the big move to the new house took all of my time. Now, I can go ahead vindicate my guilt and say I was forced to this decision by an unexpected circumstance or by my family, or say “kasi naglipat kami eh sobrang hassle naman pag sinabay.” Though these can be all true, it’ll be unfair if I put the blame on someone or something because truly, I did have a choice and I chose to further stretch being a bum. I could have chosen the other path but I chose the one where I am right now. Truth behind all this, that time, I don’t think I’m ready to quit being a bum yet.

So when will I be ready? N-O-W. Some people say “there’s no right time”. The concept of right timing is just an excuse for the inconsistencies of human beings but if there’s one thing I learned this year, it’s that THERE IS A RIGHT TIME FOR EVERYTHING. And it is God who creates it. He is so gracious and powerful that He will let you know the right time for everything. I don’t mean to sound so preachy here but if you think about it, if it’s God’s will for me to work already, it was so easy for Him to just give me that HUGE application last summer. It’s so easy for Him to work His mysterious ways and present to me a job I couldn’t turn down. But He didn’t. Maybe He knows I’m not yet ready and I just wouldn’t be happy if I force it then. Looking back, I’m now convinced that God wanted me to turn down all those job offers I’m getting from August to November of this year. Maybe He’s sending those to remind me that soon I have to make a decision and quit being bum for there’s more to life than this.

GOD HAS A MASTER PLAN FOR THE LIVES OF EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US. It may not always be pleasant and good, at times it may even shock as BUT NEVER FOR A SECOND THINK THAT GOD IS NOT WITH YOU IN ALL THAT. I believe God willed for me to bum around this long because HE HAS A PURPOSE. I was able to do the things that I want to do with so much pleasure during this year of bumming. I was able to know myself even more and be at peace with my inner self during this entire year. Of course there are regrets but YOU WILL NEVER BE HAPPY WITH REGRETS. Some of my choices have made me feeling sad and depressed. There are days when I still think what if I started looking for a job early on? Maybe now I’m already working and earning my own money. What if? But you see, I’m already here, I’ve already made those choices. It’s time for me to be an adult and own my decisions. Why wallow on blame and regret now? Wouldn’t it be nicer to just suck it up and start reorganizing my life where I am right now and with what I have?

I lost one of my best friends this year so suddenly and too tragic and I realize just how short our life is. It can be taken in just split seconds of time and I don’t wanna waste mine feeling sorry for making those decisions I’ve made. Now, if I die tomorrow, at least I can say, I was able to do the things I’ve missed when I was too busy to do them. And I’m happy because I didn’t squeeze all them in two or three months of taking some time off. God gave me the chance to enjoy life and its pleasures for a year. IF YOU WANT SOMETHING, YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. Am I sorry for all those opportunities I didn’t grab? No because I don’t have to be selfish and grab whatever opportunity is coming my way. AND THOUGH IT’S TRUE THAT SOME OPPORTUNITIES COME INTO YOUR LIFE JUST ONCE, IT IS ALSO TRUE THAT IF YOU DIDN’T HAVE IT INTENTIONALLY OR UNINTENTIONALLY, THEY’RE JUST NOT MEANT FOR YOU.

I know it’ll probably be more difficult for me to find a job now. But that’s life. You made a choice, be responsible enough to take its consequences. You can’t let your life hang just like that. Do I fear the consequences of my decisions? Yes and No.

YES because I’m still a human being who doesn’t know what 2010 has in store for me. YES because though I’m ready to face whatever consequences my choices entail, those I haven’t anticipated might come up and I might not be strong enough to handle it. BUT ANOTHER THING I LEARNED ABOUT LIFE, YOU CAN’T LIVE IN FEAR. YOU CAN’T LET FEAR GET IN TO YOU BECAUSE TRUST ME; IT’LL BE A TKO WITH YOU AS THE SORE LOSER IN ALL OF IT. Fear is there for you to conquer. Most importantly, FEARS ARE JUST CHALLENGES WE HAVE TO OVERCOME FOR US TO BECOME BETTER AND TOUGHER INDIVIDUALS.

NO because despite the complexity of being at peace with the constant struggle of my human heart and mind. I know that GOD HAS A PURPOSE IN MY LIFE. I may not know His entire plan but I know it is a plan that is best for me. He willed for me to be in this situation and there’s no way He will leave me here and not help me get out of this. I believe in destiny. I believe that if something is for me, it’s for me but of course, I have to make it happen. I can’t just leave it to fate. But above all this, I believe that GOD IS WITH ME. NEVER DID HE LEFT MY SIDE AND I’M PRETTY SURE WHATEVER ENDEAVORS 2010 HAS IN STORE FOR ME, I WILL BE BRAVING IT WITH THE LORD’S GRACIOUS MERCY.

Finally, I’d like to end this on a positive note. Christmas Eve, I got a greeting from my friend, Mares Palma saying, “I’ll expect s0mething biG fr0m u nxt year!” Indeed, I’m also expecting BIG from myself this year. January 2010 is the end of my self-imposed hiatus as I put everything in my life into perspective. I will not start and stop again because now it’s coming from the HEART…I AM READY!

25 Random Things About Gorgeous Dave

1. Sometimes, I wish I'm a straight guy. Surely, my life will totally be different. Not that I'm not happy being gay. It's just that maybe choosing a normal path will bring peace to me. Maybe the care and love of a girl is more pleasurable and satisfying than a man's love I'm forever longing for. Maybe I'll make one of the best husbands in town. Maybe I'll make a loving and caring dad. Maybe having a wife and children is what will make me truly happy.

2. The most romantic sexual fantasy I've ever imagined up until now is with my first year college General Psychology professor. His initials? M V.

3. I have gerascophobia more commonly known as fear of growing old.

4. I adore Kris Aquino! I wanna talk like her, be like her, think like her. I wish I'm Kris Aquino in my next life.

5. It's my dream to have my own talk show someday. I love to talk, talk, and talk. I feel like there are so many things I want to share. I really want to host and interview people.

6. I love being inside a bookstore, particularly, Bestsellers, Fullybooked, and Powerbooks. National kasi is so ingay and so gulo, i feel like there's always a fiesta. Whenever I'm inside a bookstore, I feel so calm and peaceful. I love being with books.

7. I'm in cloud nine everytime I buy a new book. I just love love love books! Of course, I also horde books. Hello? Even Kris Aquino still has plenty of books wrapped in their original plastics. What's important is I find time to read them one by one. To date, I still have 40 unopened books, still wrapped in their original plastics.

8. After reading all my K! The Kris Aquino Magazines, I put them back in their original plastics and store them in a place no one can make pakialam and make them sira.

9. Call me selfish but I don't like lending my books, CDs, DVDs, and magazines. Having them all in my room gives me peace of mind. It forms part of my self-security knowing that I have a copy of this issue or this book at home. It gives me joy to know that no matter what happens, I already secured a copy.

10. I have an obsession with jeans. I don't know what it is about them but they make me really happy. To date, I think I already have a hundred or close to a hundred.

11. All my clothes are color-coded according to the color wheel. And they hang inside individual garment plastics.

12. I so love Chuck Taylors for life!

13. I hate it when people accidentally or intentionally steps on my shoes. I feel like, "How dare you? This shoe is more expensive than you are!"

14. I can eat KFC Fried Chicken and their gravy for a month and still crave for it.

15. I go crazy when something goes wrong in my computer.

16. I feel like crying everytime my internet connection is down. It makes me crazy.

17. I'm such an OC! I double check everything. I want everything to be in order. I want all my files organized. I always double check (often times more than double check pa) if I've locked the doors, have I passed the requirement? Have I clicked the submit button? Have I place it on the right place? This sometimes bugs me na.

18. I am a frustrated singer. I really wish God blessed me with a magnificent voice.

19. I super love YAEL YUZON's voice!

20. I hate having to borrow things. As much as possible, I want to have my own because I don't want to have an utang-na-loob.

21. I dream of having a healthy, long, serious relationship someday. One like Boy Abunda and Bong Quintana have.

22. I'm an expert when it comes to loving from a distance as well as unrequited love.

23. I want to have an affair with a married guy. Forbidden is HOT!

24. In my dreams, I wish to have the wildest sex of my life with Robin Padilla!

25. After all the pain and heartbreaks I've gone through, I still believe that love will come to me. I still believe that special someone who will give me the unconditional love I'm dying to have will one day cross my path and finally appease my distressed heart.