Part 2: 2009 And The Lessons I Learned About LOVE LOVE LOVE

I write this while still waiting for that love which will shape and ultimately define the saga of my life’s love story. I write this while still waiting for that guy who’ll sweep me off my feet. I write this with the acknowledgment of all the pains I’ve gone through in the name of love this year. I write this with faith and hope in destiny that someday, LOVE will come and consume my heart and soul. I was deeply and passionately involved in two love affairs this year—one in fantasy and another one in reality. These love affairs have redefined my ideas and beliefs about love. Most importantly, they added another layer of toughness to my ever so vulnerable heart. And so here are some of the things I learned about LOVE this year.

In this day and age where relationships are becoming more of a liability than it should be, where the odds of getting your heart broken is as sure as the MRT train being late during rush hours, it’s so hard to lose grip and give your heart away completely. But if there’s one thing I learned this year, it’s that you should never hold back when it comes to love. The euphoria of being in love comes once in a blue moon these days. The joy of finding true love is like winning the grand price in a lottery. And so when you find love, in the smallest of possibilities it offer, grab it and let your heart guide you. Let yourself be consumed by it and love like there’s no tomorrow for life is so short and being too afraid to get hurt is not giving justice to God’s gift of life. Never be afraid of getting your heart broken cause at the end of everything, after all that’s been said and done, the only thing that matters is how much you have loved.


I’ve been through so much emotionally this year. Everyone knows my obsession with boy-next-door, the guy in my dreams who happens to be a real human being in the person of our then neighbor at 13th Ave. as well as my overwhelming relationship with my ex-boyfriend, Dan. You see, sometimes loving and relationships in general can be so exhausting physically, psychologically, spiritually, and of course emotionally. You get your heart broken every now and then and sometimes you ask, what for? When you’re hurt so much by love, at times, you lose hope—hope that someday you’ll still be in the arms of true, unconditional love. To be perfectly honest, there are still nights when I cry myself to sleep thinking what’s wrong with me. I reached the point when I’m on the verge of totally believing that maybe I’m destined to be alone. Maybe I’m meant to be single for life. But as soon as this idea comes up, I am immediately killing it because I know that this feeling of solitude is not for long. I know that my mind is just entertaining that idea because it wants me to feel self-pity. Love will come someday. I certainly know that. Maybe not now but it will come. I never want to give up on love because I believe everybody deserves to love and be love in return. I never want to give up on love because though it has cost me much hurt and anguish over the years, still, there’s no better way to measure my existence by how abundant I was loved and how deeply I have loved.


I’ve been to numerous relationships these past few years. I’ve professed time and time again to be in love and never felt that feeling before. But I believe the first time I ever really fell in love was last summer with Dan. Of course today the relationship seems more of summer fling than a serious one. I say it was the first time I ever did fall in love because it was the first time a guy made me feel that way. He treated me the way I want to be treated. Yes, I was head over heels in love with him. I really thought he was THE ONE. I really thought that relationship is for keeps already. I really thought he’s the one I’ll grow old with. He was the first real romance I could have committed the cliché, “I will love you and fight for you against all odds”. I swear I was madly in love with him that I can give up even my family for him. But as Mariah Carey perfectly sang it, “something got a hold of us and we changed” the relationship ended without the other party really knowing why they broke up. It’s torturing to think of what probably that “something that took hold of us” is, especially when you’re still crazy in love with him. What I’m trying to point out here is that two people shared love and built dreams together then when something went wrong with one party it’s inexplicably foolish and stupid of him to just end the relationship all at once without even talking it out with the other party. I mean hello?! You were two consenting adults who were involved in that relationship and in as mush as it’s his right to get out of the relationship for he’s not happy anymore, it’s also the other party’s right to know what went wrong. Did he cause the problem? Is there something wrong about him? It’s very hard for the one being left behind to move on and let go without him knowing what really went wrong. This year, I learned that in separations like what happened to me and Dan, it is both parties’ responsibility to give each other a nice and decent closure that honors what they had.


Ending a relationship is never easy. Amicably or resentfully, break-ups in general are never easy because amidst all the hurt and pain, you can’t discount the fact that you two have shared love and intimacy. And sometimes relationships end though we’re still not ready to let it go. But things happen, relationships fail, love fades, and we can’t let ourselves be stuck on the memory of a love gone wrong. Eventually, no matter how painful it is, you have to let go. You can’t keep on wishing it’s still you in his heart. You have to let go completely, for until then, you won’t be able to shelter a new, healthy, and lasting relationship. It’s never easy accepting the truth that sometimes, relationships fail because it’s just not meant to be but you have to help yourself move on so when that new love comes, you will be able to give it the fairness it deserves. Letting go of all the dreams built together, of all the cherished memories, of all the pain, of all the love you’ve come to nurture is easier said than done but learning the art of letting go is the only way you could give your heart the ability to reach its total potential when it comes to love.


Sometimes you look back and question, with your strings of failed relationships, what have I got? But along with the hurt and anguish a break up brings, are lessons learned so that next time when you fall in love, you’ll be able to do things differently and who knows, that relationship might just be the one. I think Kris Aquino said it very well in one of her shows,
“Lahat tayo nagkakamali along the way pero lahat nung pagkakamaling yun pala is part of the path that will lead you to where you should be.” so more than considering them as a disadvantage, better to think of them the other way around.


I can’t begin to count the many sleepless nights I’ve spent questioning why I am not the one for boy-next-door. Thinking about it, I am so much of her girlfriend except one thing—she is a girl and I’m not. When already in this state of mind, I start to think of all the other guys I adore, who, given the chance, I would definitely give up anything and everything just to be with him. I’ve fell in this emotion of being infatuatedly obsess with a guy I really really admire. I dunno if it’s just me or other people also experiences this as extreme as I do. I feel so weird already that I get attached so easily to guys I find attractive. I say it’s weird because most often than not, my attraction to a guy, both attainable and unattainable makes me sad and very depressed. It’s incomprehensible to be a broken Bea Alonzo record line,
“bakit hindi nalang ako? Ako nalang…” in my part, it’s painful every time a guy I think is so perfect for me crosses my path and yet he’s not mine and he will never be mine because to me, infatuation always borders to obsession. But then I realize this is life. You can’t wallow on bitterness questioning ‘why in the world is he not meant for me?!’ I’ve been a victim of being deliriously depressed because of this phenomenon over the years and that’s the sad thing about life and love, you can’t always get what you want and it doesn’t follow that if you love someone, he’ll also love you back. This feeling will never end, this longing will never cease till I find THE ONE who will love me for as long as he lives. At the same time, I can’t stop cute, HOT, yummy guys from leaving their homes just so I won’t get depressed. And over the years, I swear, the roller coaster emotion of being easily infatuated has brought me so much pain than I ever could imagine. Yes, it’s so hard to be at peace with the truth yet I realized that this is just God’s balancing equation. How rowdy this world will be if your object of affection/infatuation can instantly be in love with you? I can just imagine! And seriously, with humans’ unending struggle with discontentment backed up by human nature’s greatest fear of aloneness, I feel it’s so selfish of me desiring so badly to be with THE ONE I THINK IS PERFECT FOR ME while God on the other hand is busy preparing THE ONE HE PERFECTLY CHOSE for me. I just need to strengthen my faith and have overwhelming patience because in the end, it’ll all be worth it.


You cry endlessly because of the pain yet still hunger for love insatiably. Human beings are designed to be this way. Anyway, no one ever said loving is easy. Love and pain is a package deal. One can never love without getting hurt so as willingly we accept and take love, we must also be willing to take pain. Live by the idea that everybody gets hurt. You’re not a precious one to just be the one hurting. Though love takes a lot of compromise, hurt, risk, and sacrifice, I promised myself that come what may, I’m going to fight for it till the very end for I believe that love is worth all the pain. Also, excluding everything, no matter how much you cried the entire night, nothing beats the feeling of waking up in the arms of love.


It’s never an assurance that a good start has a fairy tale ending. It’s never an assurance that being together for a long time means you will never go separate ways anymore. I know a gay couple who’s been together for almost 25 years but still, recently, they just parted ways. Love requires full commitment and effort to couple up in this uncoupling world. If you’re not put up for it, spare your victims from heartache. With relationship’s sometimes unreasonable demands of hurt and pain, you always have to be certain that you can still keep up with love’s untiring stamina.


It’s true that not all kinds of love are right. Some of it is wrong upfront. Some of it is just too painful and unfair for someone to even bear living with it. After being in and out of relationships over the years, I realized that maybe one of the reasons why my relationships aren’t the kind that’s lasting is because I always choose to have a desperate kind of love. I used the word choose because really, loving gives you a lot of choices and one of these many choices is what kind of love are you going to share to somebody. Love for it to be able to grow and last long needs a healthy foundation and so much so a breathing environment. While it is indeed true that love is all about compromising, it is also very important that you don’t lose your individuality in the process. Relationships are sharing of mutual emotions such as love, trust, and above all, respect. You can’t love believing that if you don’t do that or do this, your boyfriend will be unhappy and leave you. You need to have your life outside of him. Your world shouldn’t revolve solely on him.

In many ways, loving first and foremost is acceptance. Accepting the person you love for who he is along with all his imperfections. You can’t be in a relationship that sacrifices so much of your life just so your boyfriend won’t leave you. That’s not compromising at all, that’s desperately begging for love. Do not be afraid to be who you are and who you’re not in a relationship because a relationship is a partnership between two individuals with two different beliefs, characters, and values. It’s a give and take process and if you feel like you’re relationship is already unfair because it seems you’re the one always doing the giving, do something about it. Be wise enough to see through the blinding haze of love.

Base from my experience on my realized relationship pattern, desperate love is exhausting and it will never last long because after sometime, it drains you and all you just wanna be is to be out of that relationship. It is of utmost importance that before being in a relationship, you make sure you are mature enough to handle one. Love should never complete a person. It should only add color and excitement to your already accomplished, complete, and individualistic life. Doing the opposite will just make you clingy and needy which is the risky and slippery road leading to breakup. Love yourself first. Reach for your dreams first. Be an independent, consummate individual first in terms of career, emotional stability, etc. before you commit to a relationship. More so, your happiness shouldn’t be dependent on love. Because for one, love is a fleeting emotion and anything can happen in a relationship overnight. So ground your happiness on something sturdier. It should come from within that if something happens like a breakup; you won’t be distraught feeling you’ve lost not only your source of happiness but your life as well.

s I look back now, I find it ridiculous how I’ve manipulated my life to solely revolve on my love life. These past few months I saw how my name is already synonymous with (better if it’s only love but no eh…) love, boys, and
kalandian among many others. I wish to change this world’s perspective about me this year 2010. I am now convinced more than ever that indeed there’s more to life than romance. Also, while it’s true that I do want to have a man in my life and be in love again, I know that now is not the right time. As I’ve already shared, I believe that there is a right time and a purpose for everything. There is a reason why I’m still single today. There is a reason why boy-next-door or Dan or any other guy I’ve been infatuated with this year were all not meant for me. I know at the right time love will come and seize me until then I’ll just keep my faith and prepare myself for LOVE LOVE LOVE’S arrival.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Twitter Delicious Facebook Digg Stumbleupon Favorites More

Design by Free WordPress Themes | Bloggerized by Lasantha - Premium Blogger Themes Powered by Blogger | DSW printable coupons