Part 1: 2009 And The Lessons I Learned About LIFE

Four days have passed since 2010 started and like many, I find myself thinking what year 2009 has been for me. As I write this reflection of my year 2009, I have only one goal, and that is, in one way or the other, whatever I’ll be sharing here will somehow touch the life of who ever will come across and read this. These are not startling realizations I’m going to share but important truths I have always taken for granted.

When I graduated from college October 2008, I didn’t plan to work right away. I chose to give my physical well-being the rest it very much needed. I chose to give myself a few months to enjoy the things I want to do but can’t because I’m busy studying. I chose to give myself the liberty to be where I want and need to be in the middle of the day without having to worry an appointment it might compromise. I wanted to give myself the privilege of waking up at noon and stay at bed all day just reading or watching DVDs not worrying anything at all. Above all, I wanted to savor the pleasure of being free to do what I want to do. Of course all these are but normal. What would make it abnormal is the decision on how long you would want to live like this.

I just wanted a few months to take sometime off and be back in the game again probably a month or two. But first of the many realizations I had this year is that indeed, PLANS DO CHANGE. Nothing is ever so permanent in this life but “change” itself. I was perfectly enjoying my self-imposed break when I realized three months have already passed. I started asking myself, “Oh my! It’s been three months! Should I start looking for a job now? All my friends are busy looking for a job and what am I doing killing time like this? Should I stop bumming around now? But I feel like I haven’t had enough.” With all these questions floating in my mind and the never ending pressures from friends both close to me and those just “feeling close” to me (take note: from friends and not even from my parents who’s been supporting my welfare financially speaking), I pressured myself into job hunting thinking that if not now, then when will I start?! So summer of 2009, I obliged myself to look for a job but to be perfectly honest, I’m not happy. It felt like I was doing it not for myself but for other people.

I had a HUGE job application towards the end of summer. I really really like that job but I have to be honest that while investing so much time and energy not to mention offering tremendous amount of prayers to get the job, I know that those efforts are not coming from the heart. But still, I gave my very best for that application for it is my belief that IT IS MY DUTY AND RESPONSIBILITY AS AN INDIVIDUAL TO GIVE MY BEST COME WHAT MAY. They called me for an interview and eventually I passed for the second screening and after that they never called again. I’ll be a hypocrite if I say I wasn’t hurt or disappointed at all. But that’s life. YOU WIN SOME, YOU LOSE SOME. LIFE DOESN’T ALWAYS GO YOUR WAY. And looking back now, it sure is the best that time.

I stopped looking for a job again after that HUGE application. Initially, it was because I wanted to wait for the result because they told me to give them at least a month or two to process and decide. That statement was 50% factual and 50% press release. I’ll address this now, IT’S EXHAUSTING TO DO THINGS WHEN YOU WERE JUST FORCED INTO THAT SITUATION. SACRIFICE AND HARD WORK BECOMES LESS OF A BURDEN IF YOU’RE DOING IT FROM THE HEART. And I’m not. Once again, I fell into one of the biggest mistakes a person could ever commit to himself—rob yourself of your own freewill and let the waves of pressure take you. By this time, I am aware that I was just looking for a job to hiss those people pressuring me. I was looking for a job that sudden because it’s what normal social convention is asking from me.

When I paused for a while from job hunting, I got busy taking care of the construction of the new house we were building. And eventually the big move to the new house took all of my time. Now, I can go ahead vindicate my guilt and say I was forced to this decision by an unexpected circumstance or by my family, or say “kasi naglipat kami eh sobrang hassle naman pag sinabay.” Though these can be all true, it’ll be unfair if I put the blame on someone or something because truly, I did have a choice and I chose to further stretch being a bum. I could have chosen the other path but I chose the one where I am right now. Truth behind all this, that time, I don’t think I’m ready to quit being a bum yet.

So when will I be ready? N-O-W. Some people say “there’s no right time”. The concept of right timing is just an excuse for the inconsistencies of human beings but if there’s one thing I learned this year, it’s that THERE IS A RIGHT TIME FOR EVERYTHING. And it is God who creates it. He is so gracious and powerful that He will let you know the right time for everything. I don’t mean to sound so preachy here but if you think about it, if it’s God’s will for me to work already, it was so easy for Him to just give me that HUGE application last summer. It’s so easy for Him to work His mysterious ways and present to me a job I couldn’t turn down. But He didn’t. Maybe He knows I’m not yet ready and I just wouldn’t be happy if I force it then. Looking back, I’m now convinced that God wanted me to turn down all those job offers I’m getting from August to November of this year. Maybe He’s sending those to remind me that soon I have to make a decision and quit being bum for there’s more to life than this.

GOD HAS A MASTER PLAN FOR THE LIVES OF EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US. It may not always be pleasant and good, at times it may even shock as BUT NEVER FOR A SECOND THINK THAT GOD IS NOT WITH YOU IN ALL THAT. I believe God willed for me to bum around this long because HE HAS A PURPOSE. I was able to do the things that I want to do with so much pleasure during this year of bumming. I was able to know myself even more and be at peace with my inner self during this entire year. Of course there are regrets but YOU WILL NEVER BE HAPPY WITH REGRETS. Some of my choices have made me feeling sad and depressed. There are days when I still think what if I started looking for a job early on? Maybe now I’m already working and earning my own money. What if? But you see, I’m already here, I’ve already made those choices. It’s time for me to be an adult and own my decisions. Why wallow on blame and regret now? Wouldn’t it be nicer to just suck it up and start reorganizing my life where I am right now and with what I have?

I lost one of my best friends this year so suddenly and too tragic and I realize just how short our life is. It can be taken in just split seconds of time and I don’t wanna waste mine feeling sorry for making those decisions I’ve made. Now, if I die tomorrow, at least I can say, I was able to do the things I’ve missed when I was too busy to do them. And I’m happy because I didn’t squeeze all them in two or three months of taking some time off. God gave me the chance to enjoy life and its pleasures for a year. IF YOU WANT SOMETHING, YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. Am I sorry for all those opportunities I didn’t grab? No because I don’t have to be selfish and grab whatever opportunity is coming my way. AND THOUGH IT’S TRUE THAT SOME OPPORTUNITIES COME INTO YOUR LIFE JUST ONCE, IT IS ALSO TRUE THAT IF YOU DIDN’T HAVE IT INTENTIONALLY OR UNINTENTIONALLY, THEY’RE JUST NOT MEANT FOR YOU.

I know it’ll probably be more difficult for me to find a job now. But that’s life. You made a choice, be responsible enough to take its consequences. You can’t let your life hang just like that. Do I fear the consequences of my decisions? Yes and No.

YES because I’m still a human being who doesn’t know what 2010 has in store for me. YES because though I’m ready to face whatever consequences my choices entail, those I haven’t anticipated might come up and I might not be strong enough to handle it. BUT ANOTHER THING I LEARNED ABOUT LIFE, YOU CAN’T LIVE IN FEAR. YOU CAN’T LET FEAR GET IN TO YOU BECAUSE TRUST ME; IT’LL BE A TKO WITH YOU AS THE SORE LOSER IN ALL OF IT. Fear is there for you to conquer. Most importantly, FEARS ARE JUST CHALLENGES WE HAVE TO OVERCOME FOR US TO BECOME BETTER AND TOUGHER INDIVIDUALS.

NO because despite the complexity of being at peace with the constant struggle of my human heart and mind. I know that GOD HAS A PURPOSE IN MY LIFE. I may not know His entire plan but I know it is a plan that is best for me. He willed for me to be in this situation and there’s no way He will leave me here and not help me get out of this. I believe in destiny. I believe that if something is for me, it’s for me but of course, I have to make it happen. I can’t just leave it to fate. But above all this, I believe that GOD IS WITH ME. NEVER DID HE LEFT MY SIDE AND I’M PRETTY SURE WHATEVER ENDEAVORS 2010 HAS IN STORE FOR ME, I WILL BE BRAVING IT WITH THE LORD’S GRACIOUS MERCY.

Finally, I’d like to end this on a positive note. Christmas Eve, I got a greeting from my friend, Mares Palma saying, “I’ll expect s0mething biG fr0m u nxt year!” Indeed, I’m also expecting BIG from myself this year. January 2010 is the end of my self-imposed hiatus as I put everything in my life into perspective. I will not start and stop again because now it’s coming from the HEART…I AM READY!

2006: Lessons I've Learned

Two days before we welcome the New Year, here I am counting the blessings God has sent my way this year. I am also here to share the lessons I’ve learned this year and I hope that somehow, in one way or another, those of you who’ll read this will also learn from me.

“Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everythings okay and everythings going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everythings gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face”

If I wrote this entry a couple of months ago, I wouldn’t be this thankful. In fact, the entry will be full of anger, bitterness, and hatred. But life has moved in a very positive way for me and I felt like it is inappropriate for me to still be bitter with what happened in the past.

The start of 2006 wasn’t really good for me. I was in a bad, unhealthy relationship that I formally ended four days before Valentine’s Day. Instead of making me better, it made me worst. And for the record it was the most pathetic, fucking relationship I have ever been in to. I’m glad it was over and the break-up came from me. During the early quarter of the year, I wasn’t also doing well in terms of my studies. At the end of the third term of the last school year, I was threatened to have a GPA of 0.9. I was also eliminated out of the lists of priority enrollees (forever). Hello? What’s happening to me?

During summer, I was very sure that I am happy in my program. I dreamed of having a business degree and during that time, I was a fresh shiftee to the business management program. I even told myself that next term, I will bring back the old me in terms of studying. But this euphoria of being a business management student didn’t last long. A day before the start of the new school year, I finally listened to the voice behind my head saying that NO! THIS IS NOT THE RIGHT PROGRAM FOR YOU! NO! YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO FINISH THIS! For the longest time in my life, I tried to be deaf when these small voices inside my head kept on whispering to me, but not that particular Sunday morning. I came to a point in my life wherein I needed to look back and think about the decisions I made in the past to be able to understand why all these things are happening to me.

To make the long story short, I came to a conclusion that business is not for me. Aside from the fact that I hate math, there’s a deeper reason as to why I dropped all my business courses and shifted back to the College of Liberal Arts and it is because I am not happy with what I’m doing. I am not happy as to where I am at that time. It felt like I was just there, studying all these accounting principles, all these managerial concepts, all these marketing strategies because someone wants me to be there, someone told me you can do that, someone insisted this is for you. And as it appears, I am not living my life for me… I am living it for someone else’s and I had to correct everything. I can’t fix something by committing another mistake. I can’t continue something I know I can’t finish. It was so easy for people to say, KAYA MO YAN! NAGIGIVE UP KA AGAD E! DAHIL LANG SA ISANG BAGSAK NA SUBJECT, AYAW MO NA! WALA KA TALAGANG MATATAPOS PAG GANYAN KA.

It was so easy for them to say those words because they weren’t on my shoes and their studies are doing great. They’re happy with their courses and life seems so good to them. I, above anybody else know myself and my limitations so who were they to tell me what I can’t and can do?

“I'll never give up. Never give in.
Never let a ray of doubt slip in and if I fall,
I'll never fail. I'll just get up and try again

Never lose hope .Never lose faith
There's much too much at stake upon myself I must depend”

It took a lot of faith and self-esteem to be able to get where I am now. It was not easy to be deaf and not mind all the bad things I heard about me from other people’s mouth. It was never easy to just close your eyes, hold your tears so it won’t roll down, and control your temper so you wouldn’t burst out of anger when people criticize you for your wrong decisions. I JUST HOPE THAT PEOPLE WILL LOOK IN TO THEIR OWN LIVES FIRST BEFORE EVEN CRITISIZING OTHERS!

“I believe in the impossible
If I reach deep within my heart
Overcome any obstacle
Won't let this dream fall apart
See I strive to be the very best
Shine my light for all to see
Cause anything is possible
When you believe”

Now, I wouldn’t say I am in a higher ground. I wouldn’t say I am a saint; I’m just a normal human being who has experienced a bit of adventure in life. I don’t regret being a risk taker because you learn a lot from being one.

If there were five most important lessons I learned this year, they were:

1. The virtue of patience – one of the most important truths in life I learned in this experience was wait for the right time. It makes your faith stronger and it helps you feel every single moment of your life.

2. Take everything seriously – I use to slack off in making decisions. I used to be the “bahala na si batman type”. I usually don’t focus much on my life but this experience taught me how to be concerned with every detail of my life because back then, if just one thing went wrong, I’m doomed to failure. We were given just one life, one shot of opportunities and WE SHOULD TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.

3. Learn from your mistakes – the reason why God gives us trials is because HE wants us to learn, HE wants us to correct our mistakes because HE loves us and HE wouldn’t allow us to continue doing the wrong things. I think this is the most important lesson every human being should learn because otherwise you’ll grow old and eventually die learning nothing.

“Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance”

4. Let God drive your life – it feels enormously great having God as the one directing you because believe it or not, you can’t do it with your own strength.

5. THANK YOU – it is the magic word. Learn to say thank you as often as you could because our lives was a well of favors and it doesn’t take much to express your gratitude to the people who has been good to you. And it’s a great hobby to say thank you especially if you got what you asked for.

Year 2006 was such a year for me. It was literally like a roller coaster, with all the twists, turns, and the exciting loops. At the end of everything, I don’t have any regrets at all because I needed to go through all of that to make me a better person that I am right now.

Life’s too short to be bitter and it was never right to keep grudges in your heart. I have healed and the pains of the past were genuinely things of the past for me already. I can now face them with a smile on my face. I have finally forgiven.

Finally, I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to all the people whom I have asked favors with. I may not remember all of you but THANK YOU, anyway. I would also like to say thank you to all the people who have stood by me and who have never left my side. This thank you segment will never be complete if I don’t say thank you to my family for their unconditional love to me. And to Korina (my best friend), who tolerated a person like me, for loving a broken-record friend that I am, for giving me wonderful advices and most importantly for being my friend through thick and thin.

Above anything else, THANK YOU, LORD JESUS CHRIST for a wonderful year. Thank you for all the answered prayers in my life. Thank you for all the blessings you have given me and my family in all aspects of our lives. Thank you! Thank you! And again I say Thank you!

May we all welcome 2007 with joy and thanksgiving in our hearts. Let us always remember that whatever trials we are in to, whatever trials we are going to face in the future, all it takes is prayer and perseverance. Hold tighter to our faiths and everything will fall on their right places.

HAPPY NEW YEAR to EVERYONE!!!