Part 2: 2009 And The Lessons I Learned About LOVE LOVE LOVE

I write this while still waiting for that love which will shape and ultimately define the saga of my life’s love story. I write this while still waiting for that guy who’ll sweep me off my feet. I write this with the acknowledgment of all the pains I’ve gone through in the name of love this year. I write this with faith and hope in destiny that someday, LOVE will come and consume my heart and soul. I was deeply and passionately involved in two love affairs this year—one in fantasy and another one in reality. These love affairs have redefined my ideas and beliefs about love. Most importantly, they added another layer of toughness to my ever so vulnerable heart. And so here are some of the things I learned about LOVE this year.

LOVE WITH ALL YOUR HEART
In this day and age where relationships are becoming more of a liability than it should be, where the odds of getting your heart broken is as sure as the MRT train being late during rush hours, it’s so hard to lose grip and give your heart away completely. But if there’s one thing I learned this year, it’s that you should never hold back when it comes to love. The euphoria of being in love comes once in a blue moon these days. The joy of finding true love is like winning the grand price in a lottery. And so when you find love, in the smallest of possibilities it offer, grab it and let your heart guide you. Let yourself be consumed by it and love like there’s no tomorrow for life is so short and being too afraid to get hurt is not giving justice to God’s gift of life. Never be afraid of getting your heart broken cause at the end of everything, after all that’s been said and done, the only thing that matters is how much you have loved.

NEVER GIVE UP ON LOVE
I’ve been through so much emotionally this year. Everyone knows my obsession with boy-next-door, the guy in my dreams who happens to be a real human being in the person of our then neighbor at 13th Ave. as well as my overwhelming relationship with my ex-boyfriend, Dan. You see, sometimes loving and relationships in general can be so exhausting physically, psychologically, spiritually, and of course emotionally. You get your heart broken every now and then and sometimes you ask, what for? When you’re hurt so much by love, at times, you lose hope—hope that someday you’ll still be in the arms of true, unconditional love. To be perfectly honest, there are still nights when I cry myself to sleep thinking what’s wrong with me. I reached the point when I’m on the verge of totally believing that maybe I’m destined to be alone. Maybe I’m meant to be single for life. But as soon as this idea comes up, I am immediately killing it because I know that this feeling of solitude is not for long. I know that my mind is just entertaining that idea because it wants me to feel self-pity. Love will come someday. I certainly know that. Maybe not now but it will come. I never want to give up on love because I believe everybody deserves to love and be love in return. I never want to give up on love because though it has cost me much hurt and anguish over the years, still, there’s no better way to measure my existence by how abundant I was loved and how deeply I have loved.

CLOSURE IS ESSENTIAL
I’ve been to numerous relationships these past few years. I’ve professed time and time again to be in love and never felt that feeling before. But I believe the first time I ever really fell in love was last summer with Dan. Of course today the relationship seems more of summer fling than a serious one. I say it was the first time I ever did fall in love because it was the first time a guy made me feel that way. He treated me the way I want to be treated. Yes, I was head over heels in love with him. I really thought he was THE ONE. I really thought that relationship is for keeps already. I really thought he’s the one I’ll grow old with. He was the first real romance I could have committed the cliché, “I will love you and fight for you against all odds”. I swear I was madly in love with him that I can give up even my family for him. But as Mariah Carey perfectly sang it, “something got a hold of us and we changed” the relationship ended without the other party really knowing why they broke up. It’s torturing to think of what probably that “something that took hold of us” is, especially when you’re still crazy in love with him. What I’m trying to point out here is that two people shared love and built dreams together then when something went wrong with one party it’s inexplicably foolish and stupid of him to just end the relationship all at once without even talking it out with the other party. I mean hello?! You were two consenting adults who were involved in that relationship and in as mush as it’s his right to get out of the relationship for he’s not happy anymore, it’s also the other party’s right to know what went wrong. Did he cause the problem? Is there something wrong about him? It’s very hard for the one being left behind to move on and let go without him knowing what really went wrong. This year, I learned that in separations like what happened to me and Dan, it is both parties’ responsibility to give each other a nice and decent closure that honors what they had.

LEARN TO LET GO
Ending a relationship is never easy. Amicably or resentfully, break-ups in general are never easy because amidst all the hurt and pain, you can’t discount the fact that you two have shared love and intimacy. And sometimes relationships end though we’re still not ready to let it go. But things happen, relationships fail, love fades, and we can’t let ourselves be stuck on the memory of a love gone wrong. Eventually, no matter how painful it is, you have to let go. You can’t keep on wishing it’s still you in his heart. You have to let go completely, for until then, you won’t be able to shelter a new, healthy, and lasting relationship. It’s never easy accepting the truth that sometimes, relationships fail because it’s just not meant to be but you have to help yourself move on so when that new love comes, you will be able to give it the fairness it deserves. Letting go of all the dreams built together, of all the cherished memories, of all the pain, of all the love you’ve come to nurture is easier said than done but learning the art of letting go is the only way you could give your heart the ability to reach its total potential when it comes to love.

NEVER REGRET A FAILED RELATIONSHIP
Sometimes you look back and question, with your strings of failed relationships, what have I got? But along with the hurt and anguish a break up brings, are lessons learned so that next time when you fall in love, you’ll be able to do things differently and who knows, that relationship might just be the one. I think Kris Aquino said it very well in one of her shows, “Lahat tayo nagkakamali along the way pero lahat nung pagkakamaling yun pala is part of the path that will lead you to where you should be.” so more than considering them as a disadvantage, better to think of them the other way around.

HE’S NOT FOR YOU, SUCK IT UP
I can’t begin to count the many sleepless nights I’ve spent questioning why I am not the one for boy-next-door. Thinking about it, I am so much of her girlfriend except one thing—she is a girl and I’m not. When already in this state of mind, I start to think of all the other guys I adore, who, given the chance, I would definitely give up anything and everything just to be with him. I’ve fell in this emotion of being infatuatedly obsess with a guy I really really admire. I dunno if it’s just me or other people also experiences this as extreme as I do. I feel so weird already that I get attached so easily to guys I find attractive. I say it’s weird because most often than not, my attraction to a guy, both attainable and unattainable makes me sad and very depressed. It’s incomprehensible to be a broken Bea Alonzo record line, “bakit hindi nalang ako? Ako nalang…” in my part, it’s painful every time a guy I think is so perfect for me crosses my path and yet he’s not mine and he will never be mine because to me, infatuation always borders to obsession. But then I realize this is life. You can’t wallow on bitterness questioning ‘why in the world is he not meant for me?!’ I’ve been a victim of being deliriously depressed because of this phenomenon over the years and that’s the sad thing about life and love, you can’t always get what you want and it doesn’t follow that if you love someone, he’ll also love you back. This feeling will never end, this longing will never cease till I find THE ONE who will love me for as long as he lives. At the same time, I can’t stop cute, HOT, yummy guys from leaving their homes just so I won’t get depressed. And over the years, I swear, the roller coaster emotion of being easily infatuated has brought me so much pain than I ever could imagine. Yes, it’s so hard to be at peace with the truth yet I realized that this is just God’s balancing equation. How rowdy this world will be if your object of affection/infatuation can instantly be in love with you? I can just imagine! And seriously, with humans’ unending struggle with discontentment backed up by human nature’s greatest fear of aloneness, I feel it’s so selfish of me desiring so badly to be with THE ONE I THINK IS PERFECT FOR ME while God on the other hand is busy preparing THE ONE HE PERFECTLY CHOSE for me. I just need to strengthen my faith and have overwhelming patience because in the end, it’ll all be worth it.

FIGHT FOR LOVE
You cry endlessly because of the pain yet still hunger for love insatiably. Human beings are designed to be this way. Anyway, no one ever said loving is easy. Love and pain is a package deal. One can never love without getting hurt so as willingly we accept and take love, we must also be willing to take pain. Live by the idea that everybody gets hurt. You’re not a precious one to just be the one hurting. Though love takes a lot of compromise, hurt, risk, and sacrifice, I promised myself that come what may, I’m going to fight for it till the very end for I believe that love is worth all the pain. Also, excluding everything, no matter how much you cried the entire night, nothing beats the feeling of waking up in the arms of love.

LOVE IS AN EVERYDAY DECISION
It’s never an assurance that a good start has a fairy tale ending. It’s never an assurance that being together for a long time means you will never go separate ways anymore. I know a gay couple who’s been together for almost 25 years but still, recently, they just parted ways. Love requires full commitment and effort to couple up in this uncoupling world. If you’re not put up for it, spare your victims from heartache. With relationship’s sometimes unreasonable demands of hurt and pain, you always have to be certain that you can still keep up with love’s untiring stamina.

DESPERATE LOVE WILL NEVER DO YOU ANY GOOD
It’s true that not all kinds of love are right. Some of it is wrong upfront. Some of it is just too painful and unfair for someone to even bear living with it. After being in and out of relationships over the years, I realized that maybe one of the reasons why my relationships aren’t the kind that’s lasting is because I always choose to have a desperate kind of love. I used the word choose because really, loving gives you a lot of choices and one of these many choices is what kind of love are you going to share to somebody. Love for it to be able to grow and last long needs a healthy foundation and so much so a breathing environment. While it is indeed true that love is all about compromising, it is also very important that you don’t lose your individuality in the process. Relationships are sharing of mutual emotions such as love, trust, and above all, respect. You can’t love believing that if you don’t do that or do this, your boyfriend will be unhappy and leave you. You need to have your life outside of him. Your world shouldn’t revolve solely on him.

In many ways, loving first and foremost is acceptance. Accepting the person you love for who he is along with all his imperfections. You can’t be in a relationship that sacrifices so much of your life just so your boyfriend won’t leave you. That’s not compromising at all, that’s desperately begging for love. Do not be afraid to be who you are and who you’re not in a relationship because a relationship is a partnership between two individuals with two different beliefs, characters, and values. It’s a give and take process and if you feel like you’re relationship is already unfair because it seems you’re the one always doing the giving, do something about it. Be wise enough to see through the blinding haze of love.

Base from my experience on my realized relationship pattern, desperate love is exhausting and it will never last long because after sometime, it drains you and all you just wanna be is to be out of that relationship. It is of utmost importance that before being in a relationship, you make sure you are mature enough to handle one. Love should never complete a person. It should only add color and excitement to your already accomplished, complete, and individualistic life. Doing the opposite will just make you clingy and needy which is the risky and slippery road leading to breakup. Love yourself first. Reach for your dreams first. Be an independent, consummate individual first in terms of career, emotional stability, etc. before you commit to a relationship. More so, your happiness shouldn’t be dependent on love. Because for one, love is a fleeting emotion and anything can happen in a relationship overnight. So ground your happiness on something sturdier. It should come from within that if something happens like a breakup; you won’t be distraught feeling you’ve lost not only your source of happiness but your life as well.

As I look back now, I find it ridiculous how I’ve manipulated my life to solely revolve on my love life. These past few months I saw how my name is already synonymous with (better if it’s only love but no eh…) love, boys, and kalandian among many others. I wish to change this world’s perspective about me this year 2010. I am now convinced more than ever that indeed there’s more to life than romance. Also, while it’s true that I do want to have a man in my life and be in love again, I know that now is not the right time. As I’ve already shared, I believe that there is a right time and a purpose for everything. There is a reason why I’m still single today. There is a reason why boy-next-door or Dan or any other guy I’ve been infatuated with this year were all not meant for me. I know at the right time love will come and seize me until then I’ll just keep my faith and prepare myself for LOVE LOVE LOVE’S arrival.

Part 1: 2009 And The Lessons I Learned About LIFE

Four days have passed since 2010 started and like many, I find myself thinking what year 2009 has been for me. As I write this reflection of my year 2009, I have only one goal, and that is, in one way or the other, whatever I’ll be sharing here will somehow touch the life of who ever will come across and read this. These are not startling realizations I’m going to share but important truths I have always taken for granted.

When I graduated from college October 2008, I didn’t plan to work right away. I chose to give my physical well-being the rest it very much needed. I chose to give myself a few months to enjoy the things I want to do but can’t because I’m busy studying. I chose to give myself the liberty to be where I want and need to be in the middle of the day without having to worry an appointment it might compromise. I wanted to give myself the privilege of waking up at noon and stay at bed all day just reading or watching DVDs not worrying anything at all. Above all, I wanted to savor the pleasure of being free to do what I want to do. Of course all these are but normal. What would make it abnormal is the decision on how long you would want to live like this.

I just wanted a few months to take sometime off and be back in the game again probably a month or two. But first of the many realizations I had this year is that indeed, PLANS DO CHANGE. Nothing is ever so permanent in this life but “change” itself. I was perfectly enjoying my self-imposed break when I realized three months have already passed. I started asking myself, “Oh my! It’s been three months! Should I start looking for a job now? All my friends are busy looking for a job and what am I doing killing time like this? Should I stop bumming around now? But I feel like I haven’t had enough.” With all these questions floating in my mind and the never ending pressures from friends both close to me and those just “feeling close” to me (take note: from friends and not even from my parents who’s been supporting my welfare financially speaking), I pressured myself into job hunting thinking that if not now, then when will I start?! So summer of 2009, I obliged myself to look for a job but to be perfectly honest, I’m not happy. It felt like I was doing it not for myself but for other people.

I had a HUGE job application towards the end of summer. I really really like that job but I have to be honest that while investing so much time and energy not to mention offering tremendous amount of prayers to get the job, I know that those efforts are not coming from the heart. But still, I gave my very best for that application for it is my belief that IT IS MY DUTY AND RESPONSIBILITY AS AN INDIVIDUAL TO GIVE MY BEST COME WHAT MAY. They called me for an interview and eventually I passed for the second screening and after that they never called again. I’ll be a hypocrite if I say I wasn’t hurt or disappointed at all. But that’s life. YOU WIN SOME, YOU LOSE SOME. LIFE DOESN’T ALWAYS GO YOUR WAY. And looking back now, it sure is the best that time.

I stopped looking for a job again after that HUGE application. Initially, it was because I wanted to wait for the result because they told me to give them at least a month or two to process and decide. That statement was 50% factual and 50% press release. I’ll address this now, IT’S EXHAUSTING TO DO THINGS WHEN YOU WERE JUST FORCED INTO THAT SITUATION. SACRIFICE AND HARD WORK BECOMES LESS OF A BURDEN IF YOU’RE DOING IT FROM THE HEART. And I’m not. Once again, I fell into one of the biggest mistakes a person could ever commit to himself—rob yourself of your own freewill and let the waves of pressure take you. By this time, I am aware that I was just looking for a job to hiss those people pressuring me. I was looking for a job that sudden because it’s what normal social convention is asking from me.

When I paused for a while from job hunting, I got busy taking care of the construction of the new house we were building. And eventually the big move to the new house took all of my time. Now, I can go ahead vindicate my guilt and say I was forced to this decision by an unexpected circumstance or by my family, or say “kasi naglipat kami eh sobrang hassle naman pag sinabay.” Though these can be all true, it’ll be unfair if I put the blame on someone or something because truly, I did have a choice and I chose to further stretch being a bum. I could have chosen the other path but I chose the one where I am right now. Truth behind all this, that time, I don’t think I’m ready to quit being a bum yet.

So when will I be ready? N-O-W. Some people say “there’s no right time”. The concept of right timing is just an excuse for the inconsistencies of human beings but if there’s one thing I learned this year, it’s that THERE IS A RIGHT TIME FOR EVERYTHING. And it is God who creates it. He is so gracious and powerful that He will let you know the right time for everything. I don’t mean to sound so preachy here but if you think about it, if it’s God’s will for me to work already, it was so easy for Him to just give me that HUGE application last summer. It’s so easy for Him to work His mysterious ways and present to me a job I couldn’t turn down. But He didn’t. Maybe He knows I’m not yet ready and I just wouldn’t be happy if I force it then. Looking back, I’m now convinced that God wanted me to turn down all those job offers I’m getting from August to November of this year. Maybe He’s sending those to remind me that soon I have to make a decision and quit being bum for there’s more to life than this.

GOD HAS A MASTER PLAN FOR THE LIVES OF EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US. It may not always be pleasant and good, at times it may even shock as BUT NEVER FOR A SECOND THINK THAT GOD IS NOT WITH YOU IN ALL THAT. I believe God willed for me to bum around this long because HE HAS A PURPOSE. I was able to do the things that I want to do with so much pleasure during this year of bumming. I was able to know myself even more and be at peace with my inner self during this entire year. Of course there are regrets but YOU WILL NEVER BE HAPPY WITH REGRETS. Some of my choices have made me feeling sad and depressed. There are days when I still think what if I started looking for a job early on? Maybe now I’m already working and earning my own money. What if? But you see, I’m already here, I’ve already made those choices. It’s time for me to be an adult and own my decisions. Why wallow on blame and regret now? Wouldn’t it be nicer to just suck it up and start reorganizing my life where I am right now and with what I have?

I lost one of my best friends this year so suddenly and too tragic and I realize just how short our life is. It can be taken in just split seconds of time and I don’t wanna waste mine feeling sorry for making those decisions I’ve made. Now, if I die tomorrow, at least I can say, I was able to do the things I’ve missed when I was too busy to do them. And I’m happy because I didn’t squeeze all them in two or three months of taking some time off. God gave me the chance to enjoy life and its pleasures for a year. IF YOU WANT SOMETHING, YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. Am I sorry for all those opportunities I didn’t grab? No because I don’t have to be selfish and grab whatever opportunity is coming my way. AND THOUGH IT’S TRUE THAT SOME OPPORTUNITIES COME INTO YOUR LIFE JUST ONCE, IT IS ALSO TRUE THAT IF YOU DIDN’T HAVE IT INTENTIONALLY OR UNINTENTIONALLY, THEY’RE JUST NOT MEANT FOR YOU.

I know it’ll probably be more difficult for me to find a job now. But that’s life. You made a choice, be responsible enough to take its consequences. You can’t let your life hang just like that. Do I fear the consequences of my decisions? Yes and No.

YES because I’m still a human being who doesn’t know what 2010 has in store for me. YES because though I’m ready to face whatever consequences my choices entail, those I haven’t anticipated might come up and I might not be strong enough to handle it. BUT ANOTHER THING I LEARNED ABOUT LIFE, YOU CAN’T LIVE IN FEAR. YOU CAN’T LET FEAR GET IN TO YOU BECAUSE TRUST ME; IT’LL BE A TKO WITH YOU AS THE SORE LOSER IN ALL OF IT. Fear is there for you to conquer. Most importantly, FEARS ARE JUST CHALLENGES WE HAVE TO OVERCOME FOR US TO BECOME BETTER AND TOUGHER INDIVIDUALS.

NO because despite the complexity of being at peace with the constant struggle of my human heart and mind. I know that GOD HAS A PURPOSE IN MY LIFE. I may not know His entire plan but I know it is a plan that is best for me. He willed for me to be in this situation and there’s no way He will leave me here and not help me get out of this. I believe in destiny. I believe that if something is for me, it’s for me but of course, I have to make it happen. I can’t just leave it to fate. But above all this, I believe that GOD IS WITH ME. NEVER DID HE LEFT MY SIDE AND I’M PRETTY SURE WHATEVER ENDEAVORS 2010 HAS IN STORE FOR ME, I WILL BE BRAVING IT WITH THE LORD’S GRACIOUS MERCY.

Finally, I’d like to end this on a positive note. Christmas Eve, I got a greeting from my friend, Mares Palma saying, “I’ll expect s0mething biG fr0m u nxt year!” Indeed, I’m also expecting BIG from myself this year. January 2010 is the end of my self-imposed hiatus as I put everything in my life into perspective. I will not start and stop again because now it’s coming from the HEART…I AM READY!