In My Life

5/5

Acting in its finest! Just when you thought a movie almost close to perfection will never be possible again in Philippine cinema, comes Star Cinema’s “In My Life” which in my opinion, is the Best Movie of 2009 and one of the Best Movies ever produced in Philippine Movie History.


Shirley (Vilma Santos), a librarian, annulled, and mother of three is a lady who has been stuck with the old ways. She’s so used to the comforts of her life’s routines that she has blocked any new changes in her life and in the lives of the people around her. Everything has evolved with time except Shirley. But her life soon welcomes change when she moved to New York and lived with her gay son (Luis Manzano) and his partner, Noel (John Lloyd Cruz). As Shirley adjusts to life in New York, unconsciously, through the exquisitely deep and special romance of two men, she’s been able to open her life to a fresh new start and gradually allow change to consume her for the better.

I am trying to deduce something wrong or at least irrelevant with this film and I can’t think of any. I can’t even think of something that went wrong with this film. The script is just perfect. It’s never inadequate nor is it overly exaggerated. What’s truly remarkable about the script of this film is that it’s as real as it can get. The scriptwriter did a magnificent job for I never felt like I am watching a movie. The script’s honesty and grasp of genuine human emotions made me feel as if the scenes were really happening right in front of my very own eyes. Every line was perfect. Every confrontation scenes and dramatic moments were all straight pierces to the heart. Every dialogue was just flawlessly choreographed and as truthful as it can possibly be. The plot and all the inciting incidents of the movie were properly laid down and were brilliantly executed. Director Olive Lamasan didn’t do a wonderful job but an almost perfect, unbelievably great direction. The execution of the film’s dramatic voice was breathtakingly awesome! Every scene was perfectly placed in its right sequence. The editing and the entire motion factor were just excellent in every aspect of the film.

You would expect that the milieu or what we call the general feel of the movie is just a tear jerking, overly dramatic feel but what a perfect offset to the heavy drama are the sensible humor carefully intertwined with the story’s narrative. Also, this movie’s realistic narrative and story telling is superb beyond any description I can possibly think of.

Also, I have to mention that one of the best characteristics of this movie is the exceptional character building especially with the core characters. The fictive world of the movie is very much humanized because of the excellent character building. The Core Characters’ internal and external conflicts were properly ironed out even their quirks which are a very very important aspect of character building to create character hooks.

I can go on and on and on pointing out all the best qualities of this movie, “In My Life” but I think everyone will agree with me that the biggest come on of the movie, is the acting of the three major characters. For two hours I didn’t saw Luis Manzano, John Lloyd Cruz, and the great Vilma Santos. I was so drawn to their characters and they gave life to their respective characters in such a way that the audience will totally forget that they’re only portraying fictitious movie characters. WOW! And again I say WOW to acting in this movie.

Luis Manzano is the biggest surprise of in terms of acting. We know Luis as a good host and comedy actor but a dramatic actor? Some may have doubts; some may even raise an eyebrow. But lo and behold, he can act. He can cry. As a matter of fact one of the scenes that made me cry was when he was apologizing to Ate Vi in the park for once again disappointing her as a son. For his first dramatic movie, Luis Manzano did a good job!

John Lloyd Cruz is without a doubt one of the best if not the BEST ACTOR of this generation. He is the only actor who has the right to spit on Christopher de Leon’s (Maging Sino Ka Man, 2007) face and slap Vilma Santos in a scene. I bow down to this man. Wow! Every facial expression, every gesture, every dialogue, this man… this actor… has perfected his acting in front of the camera. He deserves every aspect of success his career can ever achieve for without a doubt, he is one of the finest actors in Philippine Movie History. Again allow me to say, JOHN LLOYD CRUZ IS JUST THE BEST!

I am a true-blue Vilmanian ever since I was a kid and liberating myself with any biases, I believe every Filipino, and even a Noranian can never deny the fact that MS. VILMA SANTOS is one of the GREATEST ACTRESSES in the history of Philippine Cinema. A VILMA SANTOS only comes once in a lifetime! WOW! ATE VI never fails to leave moviegoers in awe. Just when I thought she has already showcased her acting prowess in its every dimension of it with her tons of past movies, I am so wrong! Her acting in this movie is not only new but mesmerizingly inexplicable no matter how I turn my head around. She doesn't even need to cry hysterically but you can feel every bit of her character’s pain. She flawlessly gave genuine emotions to Shirley’s character in every body movement, dialogue, facial expression, etc. WOW! Just WOW! To everyone she’s The Star for All Seasons but to me, SHE IS THE ACTRESS! THE GREATEST of them all!

I believe it’s about time a story like this penetrates mainstream cinema. Gay relationships are so profuse nowadays that it deserves a serious narrative that’ll show the ups and downs, the genuineness, and the sincerity of gay romance. This is another look to gay relationships. Totally veering away from just the comedy dimension mainstream Philippine cinema has created for it or the indie movie understanding that gay relationships are just all about sex. It’s about time gay relationships are taken seriously in Pinoy movies. And maybe, I hope, this is one vehicle for Filipinos to see relationships of this kind as nothing but just the same as heterosexual relationships and treat it with proper respect that it deserves.

I watched this movie in its opening day, I’ll watch it again this Sunday and yes, I can get enough because I’ll still secure a copy when the official DVD is released. “In My Life” is the kind of movie that no one should ever dare to miss. It’s not every year that a movie as good as this will be produced. It’s not every year that a movie produced is as worth watching as this one. If there’s one movie you shouldn’t miss in your entire life, it’s this one. You’ll be missing a lot if you never watch this movie. It’s one of the BEST!

Boy-next-door...

It's been months now since I first saw this adorable bachelor who lives inside the compound beside our house. Since then, I became very fascinated with him. At first, he appeared to be very mysterious but I know that underneath his irresistible smile, is the guy every girls and gays (for my benefit) will surely die for.

There’s something about him that captivated me. Until now, I’m not really sure what it is about him that entices me. It could be his perfect smile, his undeniable charisma, or his obvious over the top kindness. But above all, as of this writing, I believe I’m enthralled to him because I know deep inside that he is the man I want to end up with. Ever since I was a kid, I have this illusion of the guy I would want to be my life partner. How I want him to be, his appearance, the way he carries himself, his job, his quirks, his voice, etc. It’s just amazing how this guy in my imagination came to be true in the person of my bachelor neighbor.

Soon after I first saw him, my fascination became infatuation and eventually became a mild obsession. We (me, my mom, and my sister) gave him the code name boy-next-door. I say I’ve already crossed my boundary of a mild obsession since there are instances that I find myself thinking about him from the time I wake up till the time I close my eyes and sleep. Even worst, lately, he’s also the subject of my dreams. It has already been part of my daily routine to check from time to time if he’s already home. It is a must for me to know where he will park his car every night. Every morning, between 6-7 am. if I’m awake, I’ll go out and take a peek outside our gate to see if his car is still parked where he left it the night before. And if luck is on my side, he might be on his way to his car at the same time I will go out and check outside our gate. I fancy about him day and night. Often, I find myself wondering what he maybe doing at that particular minute. Or what his friends are like? I feel like I should know all about him.

Weeks have passed and I am more and more drawn to him as the information about him came flooding in our doorsteps. His name, his plate number, where he works, who washes his clothes, how his girlfriend looks like, who’s with him in their house, where his parents are, what flavor of Gatorade he drinks, where his province is, how many siblings he has, where he plays basketball, and so on and so forth.

There are just so many things about him to adore and love about. His perfect smile will make everyone weak to the bones. His praise-worthy teeth glitter as he flashes his grin (or in Bella Swan’s term to refer to the Jacob grin that makes her soft, “my grin”). His perfectly messed hair is a head-turner. His lovable chinito eyes are inexplicable. His positive aura that come hand-in-hand with his smiling face will surely brush worries away. His respect for the elderly is adorable. His love for kids is very endearing. His politeness and good heartedness is engaging. His fondness to sit in the floor while watching TV is awfully charming. His cooking for his girlfriend is downright applauding.

In the words of our other neighbors, he’s someone who wears his heart in his sleeve, someone who doesn’t have any harsh bone in his body. He’s not the makalaglag panty’t brief kind of guy nor is he perfect but his good heart and adequate sex appeal makes him the best candidate for The Sexiest Man Alive.

Sometimes, I hate myself for wanting to know more about him, for making extra efforts to steal quick glances on him. For no matter how expert I am with this matters brought about by my vast experiences in infatuations and unrequited love affairs, I still fall and fall over and over again with the mishaps of an unrequited love or whatever you call this obsession of mine. I’ve tried very hard to remind myself that his life is independent of mine. And that he doesn’t care about me. Sometimes I hate him for being who he is. But no matter how incredible the pain is afterwards, nothing compares to the seconds I would see him, see his smile. It’s as if I’m falling into an ocean of him but he’s not there to save me when I drown.

Sometimes I think maybe I’ve become addicted to the bitter-sweet emotions these experiences bring. Maybe I’ve come to love the pain it gives, pain from the fact that no matter what I do, what I say, he’s not mine and he will never be mine. Or maybe I’ve come to love the numbness it brings afterwards from the fact that I don’t have someone like him in my life who loves me the way I should be loved. Maybe.

Valentine’s Day is fast approaching and I’ve never felt so down and unloved than these past few weeks. By saying unloved, I’m talking about love in the romantic sense of the word. Am I asking for too much? Am I asking for an impossible thing? Is someone to have and to hold not part of my existence? Is looking/loving from a distance my destiny? Is this the price I have to pay for choosing this kind of life? Is this what I get in return for being blessed in other aspects of my life? A little LOVE is all I’m asking for…

A CHOICE: I am not changing my mind

It has been a month or so since I made the announcement that I’m finally giving up the idea that I’m going to meet my special someone in the cyber world. Though there were a lot of temptations to just break that promise, I’m glad that up to know, I stayed true to my word and I owned up to my decision. Wow! I’m so proud of myself.

I won’t deny the fact that there were a lot of times I just wanna break that promise of mine and just go back to my old way of meeting guys. Anyway, who ever imposed that rule to me not to chat with cute guys and meet up with them in person after a few days? It was I, so if ever, it is also my prerogative to just consider that decision null and void. With the fear of being single for life, I was tempted many many times. After all, these guys who are messaging and txting me were good-looking, nice and some of them were really a catch. But I told myself, if you’re going to go back to that same old pattern, you’ll just end up going through all the bad things you’ve went through in the past. So after much reflection about it, NO! I don’t wanna experience all those awful things again and again and again.

God allows us to experience failures, pain and suffering for us to learn and emerge as a better person. I don’t want to die unhappy more so, I don’t want to die as a person who’s full of regrets. And as I grow and mature, I can say that I am more intimate now with my body, my heart and my soul. This year as I turn twenty years old (two months from now), I am more confident to say that I know myself better than anybody in this world does. So I know what will make me happy and what will make me sad. I know what is good for me and what is bad for me. Looking back on all my experiences with the guys I have met in the internet, what kind of individuals they are, what terrible things happened to us, I can firmly say that I am not happy with all of it and I don’t feel like I’m ever going to be proud of it/them. And so I don’t want to grow old having all these regrets in my life. I know that we can’t change our past but we can shape our futures. Having the ability to do so, I will not go back to my same old pattern again. I’ve learned my lessons very well!

A friend of mine told me that I shouldn’t give up on the cyber world for no matter how superficial it is, it’s still is one of the major means for gays like me to meet guys especially in the kind of society where we are. But I beg to disagree with him. Yes, internet maybe a major way. Yes, we can’t deny that with the emergence of technology through the internet, gays and bisexuals have found a new way to meet other individuals who has the same sexual preference as they are but I want to stress that the cyber world is NOT THE ONLY MAJOR MEANS. And since this method doesn’t seem to make me happy, I will not use it. I am totally eliminating this method on how I can have a boyfriend. No one can change my mind. Jammy (one of my close friends) once told me “wala ka namang makukuhang matinong lalaki dyan eh”, referring to guys from the internet. I’d like to believe her for in the many occasions that I got myself involved with these guys, nothing good has ever happened to me, it didn’t in anyway benefited me. Why? I’ve come to realize that maybe because with the superficiality of the cyber world everything happens in a snap. And since everything happens too fast, you fall so fast, what you have also disappears so fast. Not to mention, most people you’ll find in the internet are in for fun. Maybe that’s the problem because I’m in for a real thing. Or perhaps, these men are also in for a real thing but with the superficial environment of the cyber world, A REAL THING is just not possible.

We only walk through our lives once. We only have one youth and most of the turning points in our lives happen while we are at this stage of our lives so we better be careful on the CHOICES we are making and we better live our teenage/young adult years right so that when we grow old, we won’t regret anything. Yes, we’re only young once so we better enjoy it but we should enjoy life in such a way that we would still have dignity and self-respect after enjoying it. Maybe a lot of gays will choose to enjoy their lives by collecting men whom they have slept with, but not me. Not Dave! They can have sex with all the men they want for all I care but I won’t do that because when I grow old I want people to think of me as a decent person and not a slut!

So I won’t change my mind no matter how cute, how I really like the guy and how yummy he is. I’M NOT CHANGING MY MIND!

Life is full of choices. And the choices we make determine who we are as a person. This is a CHOICE I’ve made and whatever consequences I will be having because of this CHOICE, I’m ready for it.

I give up!!! It's really not my thing...

People around me are already confused and I must admit, I, myself is also confused with what I really want. It’s very ironic how I long to have a boyfriend, someone who’ll love and accept me for who I am, and then when love comes my way, a boy is there…so ready to love me, suddenly, I feel so awkward that I want to be shielded and it’s like “No! I don’t want a boyfriend. I’m not yet ready. I’m still enjoying life, being alone…single. I don’t want someone making gulo and pakialam with my life.” And I would suddenly realize that I am really not yet ready and I’ll just end up hurting somebody else’s feelings if I’ll force myself to be in a relationship. So I guess this is the reason why I’m single most of the time.

This summer, I’ve been through a lot of things, emotionally. And I can say that they have made me a better person. I can’t say that I’m matured enough but I know that it will come. Anyway, maturity is a process and experience will be my guide.

I had a realization also this summer that I shouldn’t feel bad about online get-to-know each other and meet ups cause after all, I’m gay and for me to hope for a romantic first encounter is just impossible. Maybe if I am in Manhattan in New York, a romantic encounter will be possible but I’m not there. I’m here in the make-believe conservative country…the Philippines. So to hope for something like that will happen to me is a punch to the moon. Ok, so I’m not saying that this kind of phenomenon in the local gay community will not happen. Of course it will or should I say it did happen already but it’s one in a million. So what’s my guarantee that I’m one of the chosen few??? And so this summer, I plunged myself into this so called online get-to-know each other thing. And what can I say??? Yes, I did enjoy it. I would be a hypocrite if I say I didn’t. Of course I love the compliments and I love it when cute guys message me and ask me out.

But after engaging in it for quite sometime, I have come to realize that this “thing” is really not for me. Maybe a lot of gays and bisexuals enjoy it but not me. Honestly, it doesn’t give me satisfaction at all. It doesn’t give me pleasure and I can’t go away from the fact that it’s such a desperate move cause it’s like looking for someone to love. I don’t know but there’s something in me that’s so convinced that this online get-to-know each other thing is so cheap aside from the fact that it’s very, very unsafe. To think that you’re going to meet up with someone you don’t know and who knows if he is a criminal or a bad person. And to be honest, I’M REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH MEET UPS!!!

And so after much consideration, I am proud to say that I’M GIVING IT UP! for the simple reason that it’s not my thing. And I don’t think I’m ever gonna regret giving it up. I won’t miss it at all. I’ve given up my faith that someday I will come across a guy in the cyber world and probably we can try to fit in a romantic relationship. I don’t see it happening to me. It’s just not my thing.

So maybe I’m gonna wait for someone to come in to my life and wish for a romantic first encounter to happen. If that moment wouldn’t come, then maybe I’m destined to be single forever. Well…what’s wrong with that? I mean maybe it’s my fate and I have to accept that.

Anyway, I’m still young and there’ll be more men coming…maybe I’m gonna meet him in the workplace... why not?!

And just a thought…you don’t look for a special someone. He will come!

All you have to do is wait for him to come in to your life and when you feel that he’s the one… NEVER LET GO!

I'm hurting! I am really not Ok...

I would like to start this with the first stanza of Gabrielle’s song, “Out of Reach”. The stanza I have chosen truly express what I feel inside.

Knew the signs
Wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

I won’t be a hypocrite and say I’m ok because I am really not ok. I admit it, right now, I’m hurting and the degree of emotional pain I’m experiencing is something I have never felt before.

You might think I’m over reacting or exaggerating but maybe if you try to put yourself on my shoes, then you’ll understand why I am reacting like this and that I’m far from exaggerating.

I’ll admit it, I really really like him. He’s got all the qualities and characteristics that I’m looking for in a guy. He’s so nice and I don’t care if he feels his physical attributes are inferior compared to other guys. It’s not a big deal for me because to be honest, for me, he’s cute. I love the way he treats me and he’s not hard to fall in love with.

When he came in to my life, I was so overwhelmed because I thought he maybe the answer to my prayers, the guy I’m asking for, the one who’ll love and accept me for who I am. I told my best friend, Korina that if ever he’ll ask me out I will definitely say yes. And if ever he’s really serious about me, I will surely say yes to him.

Everybody knows that I fall in love very fast. With him, I really felt so special. He treated me the way I want to be treated. He made me feel that he’s serious about me. He made me feel that this will work out. He’s very different from all the guys I have met before because he’s decent and serious about life. I can see the effort he’s making to reach out to me and make me feel his presence. I felt the efforts he’s making to make me feel I’m important to him.

But what happened suddenly? I don’t get the sudden change on him.

What was that story he dropped on me last Tuesday?

If I’m going to review all our conversations, there was never an insinuation that he works abroad. There was never a slightest hint that he’s staying there for 2 years already and only had a vacation here at the Philippines this April. Listening to that story, I have figured out so many inconsistencies. Some parts of it were accurate; a large portion of it was full of flaws.

I’m so sure, I made it clear. I even asked him questions and his answers prove that he stays here in Manila. If I’m going to analyze it, his previous stories to me were very inconsistent with what he told me last Tuesday.

Was that story a made-up one because he can’t directly tell me that he doesn’t want me? That he was just infatuated? That he was just attracted so dearly to my pictures? Was that story an easy way out to let me now he’s not in to me and it’s over? The txt message he sent me after we parted ways, what does that mean?

I DON’T KNOW! And I probably wouldn’t know…

What hurts me the most was the fact that he made me fall for him and when the time comes that I have already fallen, he dropped me and left me alone. If ever the story he told me last Tuesday was really true, then why the hell did he even asked me if he could court me knowing that in a week time, he’s already leaving to work abroad? He was also very firm that he doesn’t want a long distance relationship because it’s very hard and very unfair on my part. So why did he even asked if he could court me if he knew from the very start that if I’ll say yes to him, what we’ll be having is a long distance relationship? Was he so insensitive? If it’s really true that he works abroad and he’s just here to have a vacation for three weeks, why did he even asked for my number, talked to me in the phone, and even asked me to meet up? Didn’t it occur to him that I will be hurt because of the emotional attachment?

It’s just so painful that I’m so ready to give my heart to him and there he goes, telling me that this won’t work out because I’m leaving on Saturday. “we’ll just keep in touch”…

Maybe I expected a lot from him…Maybe I expected a lot from it… but you can’t blame me cause it’s what his words and actions tells me so. It’s so easy to say I never wanted to hurt you but how pleasant our lives will be if we learn to watch our language and actions closely. Korina has always told me, say it when you mean it. When he says “I miss you to me”, I don’t know if he really means it but on my part, I know in my heart and soul that I really miss him. If he was just playing, he shouldn’t have overused that phrase on his messages to me because it really meant so much to me and it made me believe that he’s really serious about us.

Which story is true? Is he working here in the Philippines or abroad? What story should I believe? Is he serious about me?

In any case, he lied to me and that won’t change the fact that he wasn’t honest and sincere to his words. If that story was just an alibi, I just hope he told me frankly about what he really felt cause it’s better to be hurt honestly than be fooled.

At the end of it all, though he has hurt me, I am not mad at him! I don’t regret having known and met him because he’s a very nice person and he was the first man to ever treat me the way I want to be treated. I know it’s over and everything between us was done but I still feel for him. He still has a special place in my heart. Guess I should thank him, after all cause he taught me a lesson by hurting me.

Moving on and letting go is a process and I’m ready to embark on this journey.

My love life???

It took me quite awhile to update my blog. I got so busy with tons of school works, reading assignments, addicting TV series, and boy obsessions (or was it infatuation? to be honest, I don’t know what was it!)

This post marks my first for this year and I chose this special day because after all, this day is for St. Valentine (hello? People???)

To be perfectly honest with the whole world, I don’t feel sorry for myself because it’s Valentine’s Day and I don’t have a fucking love life. I don’t even feel depressed or sad about my situation. I have always believed that Valentine’s Day is nothing but a state of mind. I never connected it with love and romance. For me, it’s just a normal day, Kris Aquino’s birthday, my cousin’s birthday, (since I don’t have classes on Wednesdays this term) it’s my “sleep day”.

You see? I don’t think that Valentine’s Day is one hell of a special day.

You can be romantic everyday!

You can go out on a dinner with your boyfriend everyday!

You can have sex everyday!

so I really don’t understand why Valentine’s Day was such a special day for most people. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m the most mushy person you’ll ever meet in your life, I’m the most hopeless romantic person who’ll ever walk in the face of the earth. It’s just that the Valentine’s Day fever was really making me sick. I logged in to my friendster account today and read this in my bulletin board,

“sad ako ngayong valentine’s day huhuhuhuhu”

holy crap!! What a pathetic statement coming from a girl!

What I’m saying here is, if you don’t have a love life and it’s Valentine’s Day, SO??? What’s the problem? Are you gonna die? You’re depressed? Oh come on! For God’s sakes I don’t give a damn if it’s Valentine’s Day. It’s just the 14^th of February, nothing special about it.

My love life???

YES! I don’t have a love life and I won’t be a hypocrite and say I’m ok. After taking up Genders class 6 months ago, I’m more convinced that I am a person who sees love as a fusion of two personalities. I don’t feel complete as a person if I don’t have someone to share my life with. Yes! I believe in soulmates, I’m waiting for magic to happen.

Unfortunately, I have none. I don’t have a boyfriend. I don’t have a love life. So what do I do now? Feel sorry for myself? Be depressed to death until someone walks in and sweep me off my feet??? Walk around wearing a placard saying ‘I NEED A BOYFRIEND!’ of course I can’t do that.

so like I always say…

Guess I’ll just have to wait for someone who’ll walk in to my life and see what will happen. And until there’s no one… I can’t do anything…

Wala e…alangan namang ipilit ko e sa wala talaga…

Brokenhearted DAVE!

well, what else is new? i'm always broken hearted and the pain inside of me just keeps haunting me more and more...

this night is EXTRA PAINFUL because after all I'm just a click away...

but to him...

i don't know...

i may be invisible in his YM...

oh!



YES! he did! a new window popped of my screen but hey,

is that all???

FUCK!!!



...Dave???

wake up! face reality! it hurts i know!

but you can't change it...

YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM LOVE YOU!!!

and...

after all that has been said and done...

you know with all your heart and soul,

that FRIENDS...

and NOTHING BUT FRIENDS

ARE ALL YOU AND HIM COULD EVER BE!



FUCK!!!

WHY CAN'T WE BE LOVERS???

TELL ME... PLEASE...

cause there's just so many questions in my mind right now...

tell me...

my dear...



...... ..... ....... ...... ---> I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!

Busy! Stressed! Brokenhearted!

Last week was unexplainable! My schedule was so tight! I can't remember if I even had a decent sleep of at least 3 hours. I ate paper deadlines and drank numerous quizzes.!

----

I won't tell the whole world who you are, but if by chance you come across this post and read it, I just wanna tell you that you make my heart beat so fast that I can't even breath properly when we're together. I can't help but fall for you because you are the only guy who made me feel this way. But I can't go away from reality...I am just your friend! Just your friend! And I guess we're better off as friends!

PS. I can't contain it! I love you so much!