I'm hurting! I am really not Ok...

I would like to start this with the first stanza of Gabrielle’s song, “Out of Reach”. The stanza I have chosen truly express what I feel inside.

Knew the signs
Wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

I won’t be a hypocrite and say I’m ok because I am really not ok. I admit it, right now, I’m hurting and the degree of emotional pain I’m experiencing is something I have never felt before.

You might think I’m over reacting or exaggerating but maybe if you try to put yourself on my shoes, then you’ll understand why I am reacting like this and that I’m far from exaggerating.

I’ll admit it, I really really like him. He’s got all the qualities and characteristics that I’m looking for in a guy. He’s so nice and I don’t care if he feels his physical attributes are inferior compared to other guys. It’s not a big deal for me because to be honest, for me, he’s cute. I love the way he treats me and he’s not hard to fall in love with.

When he came in to my life, I was so overwhelmed because I thought he maybe the answer to my prayers, the guy I’m asking for, the one who’ll love and accept me for who I am. I told my best friend, Korina that if ever he’ll ask me out I will definitely say yes. And if ever he’s really serious about me, I will surely say yes to him.

Everybody knows that I fall in love very fast. With him, I really felt so special. He treated me the way I want to be treated. He made me feel that he’s serious about me. He made me feel that this will work out. He’s very different from all the guys I have met before because he’s decent and serious about life. I can see the effort he’s making to reach out to me and make me feel his presence. I felt the efforts he’s making to make me feel I’m important to him.

But what happened suddenly? I don’t get the sudden change on him.

What was that story he dropped on me last Tuesday?

If I’m going to review all our conversations, there was never an insinuation that he works abroad. There was never a slightest hint that he’s staying there for 2 years already and only had a vacation here at the Philippines this April. Listening to that story, I have figured out so many inconsistencies. Some parts of it were accurate; a large portion of it was full of flaws.

I’m so sure, I made it clear. I even asked him questions and his answers prove that he stays here in Manila. If I’m going to analyze it, his previous stories to me were very inconsistent with what he told me last Tuesday.

Was that story a made-up one because he can’t directly tell me that he doesn’t want me? That he was just infatuated? That he was just attracted so dearly to my pictures? Was that story an easy way out to let me now he’s not in to me and it’s over? The txt message he sent me after we parted ways, what does that mean?

I DON’T KNOW! And I probably wouldn’t know…

What hurts me the most was the fact that he made me fall for him and when the time comes that I have already fallen, he dropped me and left me alone. If ever the story he told me last Tuesday was really true, then why the hell did he even asked me if he could court me knowing that in a week time, he’s already leaving to work abroad? He was also very firm that he doesn’t want a long distance relationship because it’s very hard and very unfair on my part. So why did he even asked if he could court me if he knew from the very start that if I’ll say yes to him, what we’ll be having is a long distance relationship? Was he so insensitive? If it’s really true that he works abroad and he’s just here to have a vacation for three weeks, why did he even asked for my number, talked to me in the phone, and even asked me to meet up? Didn’t it occur to him that I will be hurt because of the emotional attachment?

It’s just so painful that I’m so ready to give my heart to him and there he goes, telling me that this won’t work out because I’m leaving on Saturday. “we’ll just keep in touch”…

Maybe I expected a lot from him…Maybe I expected a lot from it… but you can’t blame me cause it’s what his words and actions tells me so. It’s so easy to say I never wanted to hurt you but how pleasant our lives will be if we learn to watch our language and actions closely. Korina has always told me, say it when you mean it. When he says “I miss you to me”, I don’t know if he really means it but on my part, I know in my heart and soul that I really miss him. If he was just playing, he shouldn’t have overused that phrase on his messages to me because it really meant so much to me and it made me believe that he’s really serious about us.

Which story is true? Is he working here in the Philippines or abroad? What story should I believe? Is he serious about me?

In any case, he lied to me and that won’t change the fact that he wasn’t honest and sincere to his words. If that story was just an alibi, I just hope he told me frankly about what he really felt cause it’s better to be hurt honestly than be fooled.

At the end of it all, though he has hurt me, I am not mad at him! I don’t regret having known and met him because he’s a very nice person and he was the first man to ever treat me the way I want to be treated. I know it’s over and everything between us was done but I still feel for him. He still has a special place in my heart. Guess I should thank him, after all cause he taught me a lesson by hurting me.

Moving on and letting go is a process and I’m ready to embark on this journey.

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