I give up!!! It's really not my thing...

People around me are already confused and I must admit, I, myself is also confused with what I really want. It’s very ironic how I long to have a boyfriend, someone who’ll love and accept me for who I am, and then when love comes my way, a boy is there…so ready to love me, suddenly, I feel so awkward that I want to be shielded and it’s like “No! I don’t want a boyfriend. I’m not yet ready. I’m still enjoying life, being alone…single. I don’t want someone making gulo and pakialam with my life.” And I would suddenly realize that I am really not yet ready and I’ll just end up hurting somebody else’s feelings if I’ll force myself to be in a relationship. So I guess this is the reason why I’m single most of the time.

This summer, I’ve been through a lot of things, emotionally. And I can say that they have made me a better person. I can’t say that I’m matured enough but I know that it will come. Anyway, maturity is a process and experience will be my guide.

I had a realization also this summer that I shouldn’t feel bad about online get-to-know each other and meet ups cause after all, I’m gay and for me to hope for a romantic first encounter is just impossible. Maybe if I am in Manhattan in New York, a romantic encounter will be possible but I’m not there. I’m here in the make-believe conservative country…the Philippines. So to hope for something like that will happen to me is a punch to the moon. Ok, so I’m not saying that this kind of phenomenon in the local gay community will not happen. Of course it will or should I say it did happen already but it’s one in a million. So what’s my guarantee that I’m one of the chosen few??? And so this summer, I plunged myself into this so called online get-to-know each other thing. And what can I say??? Yes, I did enjoy it. I would be a hypocrite if I say I didn’t. Of course I love the compliments and I love it when cute guys message me and ask me out.

But after engaging in it for quite sometime, I have come to realize that this “thing” is really not for me. Maybe a lot of gays and bisexuals enjoy it but not me. Honestly, it doesn’t give me satisfaction at all. It doesn’t give me pleasure and I can’t go away from the fact that it’s such a desperate move cause it’s like looking for someone to love. I don’t know but there’s something in me that’s so convinced that this online get-to-know each other thing is so cheap aside from the fact that it’s very, very unsafe. To think that you’re going to meet up with someone you don’t know and who knows if he is a criminal or a bad person. And to be honest, I’M REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH MEET UPS!!!

And so after much consideration, I am proud to say that I’M GIVING IT UP! for the simple reason that it’s not my thing. And I don’t think I’m ever gonna regret giving it up. I won’t miss it at all. I’ve given up my faith that someday I will come across a guy in the cyber world and probably we can try to fit in a romantic relationship. I don’t see it happening to me. It’s just not my thing.

So maybe I’m gonna wait for someone to come in to my life and wish for a romantic first encounter to happen. If that moment wouldn’t come, then maybe I’m destined to be single forever. Well…what’s wrong with that? I mean maybe it’s my fate and I have to accept that.

Anyway, I’m still young and there’ll be more men coming…maybe I’m gonna meet him in the workplace... why not?!

And just a thought…you don’t look for a special someone. He will come!

All you have to do is wait for him to come in to your life and when you feel that he’s the one… NEVER LET GO!

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