That was the doctor's diagnosis. He said there's some kind of over production in my hormone levels and that he can't believe I'm still alive. I was steady as stone for a while, devastated and couldn't possibly imagine how on earth can I squeeze in 48 hours all the things that I still wanna do. This was the scenario in my dream last night. It was so real that I'm even surprised that I'm still alive when I woke up.
Like I always do everyday, I hit the the shower right after I got out of bed and today while taking a bath I got into thinking, what if my dream was real and it'll really happen? Will the ending of my life be as emotional as it was in my dream? Is that how I want my life to end?
And so I asked myself while dressing up, if God will tell me when exactly he's gonna ask for my life, what are the things that I'm gonna do?
If I just have 48 hours to live here on earth, what are the things I'm gonna do? Who are the people I'm going to talk to in the last few hours of my life? Who'll be the first one I'm gonna say goodbye to and who'll be the last? Will I spend the time left for me in mourning or will I spend it doing the things I've always wanted to do but felt too afraid to try? Am I going to countdown till my last breath still restaurant hopping and eating all the foods I will no longer taste after I die or will I fuck around and have sex for all I want since I'll be dying in a few hours why give a damn about it right? Do I want to die with people around me seeing how I run after my last breath or would I prefer to just be mum about the fact that I'm going to die and spend my last few minutes inside my bedroom alone?
These questions can go on and on and on but there's one universal truth amidst all this and it's the fact that we're all going to die but the question is when...
I am now reading Paulo Coelho's, "The Zahir" and one of my favorite quote in the book is the one where he talked about death. Here it is, "...we're always at war. We're at war with death, and we know that death will win in the end. In armed conflicts, this is simply more obvious, but the same thing happens in daily life. We can't allow ourselves the luxury of being unhappy all the time." These past few days, I have been thinking a lot about things and I won't deny that most of them depresses me. But after having dreamt of this scenario last night, I asked myself if this is how I would want to spend my life, worrying about this and that when I have a lot to be thankful for with my now. I realized that worrying a lot deprives us of living our everyday to the fullest. Worrying makes us limit our happiness which in turn makes us waste a lot of our life's precious and limited time on earth.
I think I have waste a lot already in my lifetime and as my life's clock continues to tick and tock to the "big day", I wanna spend my life more without regrets. I wanna be able to face God someday with a smile on my face knowing that I was able to do what I wanna do in the lifetime he gave me. I wanna be able to tell him that I was content and happy with how I lived my life. And I know that the only way to achieve this and start living your best life is through a mantra Kris Aquino shared a few days ago in her fantxt, Past is out, Present is in, Future is clear. To be able to live our lives to the fullest we should really put our PAST behind us, we must live, be the best that we can be and make the most out of our PRESENT and leave our FUTURE to the all mighty for it is still waiting to be done. Its outcome, however, depends on how we live today.
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