It has been a month or so since I made the announcement that I’m finally giving up the idea that I’m going to meet my special someone in the cyber world. Though there were a lot of temptations to just break that promise, I’m glad that up to know, I stayed true to my word and I owned up to my decision. Wow! I’m so proud of myself.
I won’t deny the fact that there were a lot of times I just wanna break that promise of mine and just go back to my old way of meeting guys. Anyway, who ever imposed that rule to me not to chat with cute guys and meet up with them in person after a few days? It was I, so if ever, it is also my prerogative to just consider that decision null and void. With the fear of being single for life, I was tempted many many times. After all, these guys who are messaging and txting me were good-looking, nice and some of them were really a catch. But I told myself, if you’re going to go back to that same old pattern, you’ll just end up going through all the bad things you’ve went through in the past. So after much reflection about it, NO! I don’t wanna experience all those awful things again and again and again.
God allows us to experience failures, pain and suffering for us to learn and emerge as a better person. I don’t want to die unhappy more so, I don’t want to die as a person who’s full of regrets. And as I grow and mature, I can say that I am more intimate now with my body, my heart and my soul. This year as I turn twenty years old (two months from now), I am more confident to say that I know myself better than anybody in this world does. So I know what will make me happy and what will make me sad. I know what is good for me and what is bad for me. Looking back on all my experiences with the guys I have met in the internet, what kind of individuals they are, what terrible things happened to us, I can firmly say that I am not happy with all of it and I don’t feel like I’m ever going to be proud of it/them. And so I don’t want to grow old having all these regrets in my life. I know that we can’t change our past but we can shape our futures. Having the ability to do so, I will not go back to my same old pattern again. I’ve learned my lessons very well!
A friend of mine told me that I shouldn’t give up on the cyber world for no matter how superficial it is, it’s still is one of the major means for gays like me to meet guys especially in the kind of society where we are. But I beg to disagree with him. Yes, internet maybe a major way. Yes, we can’t deny that with the emergence of technology through the internet, gays and bisexuals have found a new way to meet other individuals who has the same sexual preference as they are but I want to stress that the cyber world is NOT THE ONLY MAJOR MEANS. And since this method doesn’t seem to make me happy, I will not use it. I am totally eliminating this method on how I can have a boyfriend. No one can change my mind. Jammy (one of my close friends) once told me “wala ka namang makukuhang matinong lalaki dyan eh”, referring to guys from the internet. I’d like to believe her for in the many occasions that I got myself involved with these guys, nothing good has ever happened to me, it didn’t in anyway benefited me. Why? I’ve come to realize that maybe because with the superficiality of the cyber world everything happens in a snap. And since everything happens too fast, you fall so fast, what you have also disappears so fast. Not to mention, most people you’ll find in the internet are in for fun. Maybe that’s the problem because I’m in for a real thing. Or perhaps, these men are also in for a real thing but with the superficial environment of the cyber world, A REAL THING is just not possible.
We only walk through our lives once. We only have one youth and most of the turning points in our lives happen while we are at this stage of our lives so we better be careful on the CHOICES we are making and we better live our teenage/young adult years right so that when we grow old, we won’t regret anything. Yes, we’re only young once so we better enjoy it but we should enjoy life in such a way that we would still have dignity and self-respect after enjoying it. Maybe a lot of gays will choose to enjoy their lives by collecting men whom they have slept with, but not me. Not Dave! They can have sex with all the men they want for all I care but I won’t do that because when I grow old I want people to think of me as a decent person and not a slut!
So I won’t change my mind no matter how cute, how I really like the guy and how yummy he is. I’M NOT CHANGING MY MIND!
Life is full of choices. And the choices we make determine who we are as a person. This is a CHOICE I’ve made and whatever consequences I will be having because of this CHOICE, I’m ready for it.
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